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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Ten Songs That Inexplicably Pop Up In My Head With Alarming Regularity

1. Flag Day - The Housemartins
2. We Work The Black Seam - Sting
3. You Little Thief - Feargal Sharkey
4. Sonny's Letter - Wet Wet Wet
5. South American Getaway - Burt Bacharach
6. Spies Like Us - Paul McCartney
7. Puff The Magic Dragon - Peter, Paul and Mary
8. Love Is All Around - The Troggs
9. Time To Get Alone - The Beach Boys
10. I Know A Song That'll Get On Your Nerves (Traditional)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Fashion Magazine Examination: Paper ii: Reading Comprehension

Answer as many questions as possible in the time allowed...

1. Copy below the exact same sentence copied directly from a press release that appears in two or more magazines' 'upfront' sections this month: ____________ (10 points per magazine)
2. List one thing you would actually want from the Christmas guide in any magazine of your choosing: __________ (100 points)
3. Find the magazine with the smallest number of pages between the cover and the contents page: __________ (1-10 pages: 100 points; 11-50 pages: 50 points; 51-100 pages: 10 points; 101+ pages: 1 point)
4. Estimate how many of the readers' letters come from genuine readers: __________ (find three or more: 100 points)
5. Count the number of items in the 'down' section of barometers that are championed elsewhere in the same magazine: _________ (50 points per item)
6. Estimate the total number of people who will heed the advice in all of the sex/beauty/style/health columns this month: _________ (100 points for a correct answer to the nearest 2)
7. For each magazine, divide the number of pages in total by the number of adverts. If your answer is greater than 2, award yourself a bonus 100 points.
8. Count the number of times the words "Exclusive", "Sexy", "Literally" and "Collector's Item" are used in the correct context: _________ (200 points per instance)
9. Using your skill and judgement, provide a logical link between the various features mentioned in the editor's letter (points awarded out of 100 at examiner's discretion)
10. Tie-break question: try and find a negative word in any magazine describing the company advertising on its back cover. Write the word here: ____________

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Ten Inappropriate Kitten Names Suggested By

1. Spunky
2. Xerox
3. Pie
4. Fajita
5. Migraine
6. Death Breath
7. Casserole
8. BJ
9. Boozer
10. Sirloin

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Ten Things That Will Never Be As Good As They Used To Be

1. Michael Jackson.
2. The Colonel's Secret Recipe.
3. Steve Martin.
4. Nottingham Forest.
5. The Welfare State.
6. The Bill.
7. George Lucas.
8. Punk rockers.
9. Trains.
10. Birthdays.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Ten Intriguingly Titled Blogs

1. Geek And Poke
2. Nurse Ratched's Place
3. Rickety Contrivances Of Doing Good
4. I'm OK - You Need Meds
5. The Mustn't Grumble
6. The Jar With Peanuts
7. Again! Again!
8. A Few Intelligent Thoughts From A Brain Dead Jock
9. My Splatter Painted Life
10. Poop Tube

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Ten Types Of People I Don't Trust

1. People who wear the flag of St George when not inside football stadiums.
2. People who don't like The Beatles.
3. People in a leather jackets but not on motorbikes.
4. People who don't wear socks.
5. People who have colonic irrigation.
6. People who never come to the pub.
7. People who are always in the pub.
8. Ex-hippies.
9. Anthony Worrall Thompsons.
10. Anyone who makes sweeping generalisations about types of people.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

The Ten Best Trivial Pursuit Questions

1. What did 100,000 self-conscious American women buy 200,000 of in 1980? (A: Breast implants)
2. Do porcupines masturbate? (A: Yes)
3. What did the first Spanish dog to be fitted with contact lenses not see the day after the fitting? (A: The car that killed him)
4. Who was the official hair consultant to the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics? (A: Vidal Sassoon)
5. Who once warned: "Never eat more than you can lift"? (A: Miss Piggy)
6. What African animal's name is made up of the letters n, g and u? (A: Gnu)
7. What salad dressing does the 'special sauce' on a Big Mac most closely resemble? (A: Thousand Island)
8. What was the surname of the American Civil War general who has lent his name to prostitutes? (A: Hooker)
9. How many rings make up an arm on a Michelin Man? (A: Four)
10 What is Canada's most prevalent goose? (A: The Canada Goose)

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Ten Ways To Make A Radical Stand Against The Modern World In General

1. On the London Underground, only read adult-sized newspapers which you paid for.
2. In bars, ask for drinks you haven't seen advertised on TV.
3. Interact with your friends by going round their house for tea.
4. Buy clothing based entirely on comfort and value for money.
5. Spend your weekends in places with no phone reception.
6. Make something out of wood and string.
7. Write a letter using a pen.
8. And then post it.
9. Support the football team that's closest geographically to your house.
10. Smile at strangers.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Ten Winners Of Ridiculous Pop Polls

1. The Beatles - 'Sgt Pepper's Lonley Hearts Club Band' (HMV/C4/Guardian Top 100 Albums of the Millennium, 1997)*
2. ELO - 'Livin' Thing' (Q magazine Top 50 Guilty Pleasures, 2006)
3. The Wolfe Tones - 'A Nation Once Again' (BBC World Service World's Favourite Song, 2002)
4. U2 - 'One' (Q magazine 1001 Best Songs Ever, 2003)
5. Nirvana - 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' (VH1 Greatest Song Of The Past 25 Years, 2003)
6. Oasis - 'Live Forever' (Q magazine 100 Greatest Songs Ever, 2006)
7. Bob Dylan - 'Like A Rolling Stone' (Rolling Stone magazine 500 Greatest Songs Of All Time, 2004)
8. Radiohead - 'OK Computer' (C4 100 Best Albums Of All Time)
9. Oasis - 'Definitely Maybe' (Q magazine Best British Albums, 2004)
10. Michael Jackson - 'Billie Jean' (Blender magazine 500 Greatest Songs Since You Were Born, 2005)

*Earliest year of said millennium actually represented by the poll: 1959

Monday, August 14, 2006

Ten Uninspiring Dulux Heritage Paint Colours

1. Waiting Room Green
2. Light Buff
3. Biscuit Beige
4. Panel White
5. Linen Colour
6. Drab
7. Eau De Nil
8. Tin White
9. Lead Colour
10. Dark Brown

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Ten B-Movies Yet To Have US College Bands Named After Them

1. The Abominable Dr Phibes (1971)
2. The Gore Gore Girls (1972)
3. The Dunwich Horror (1970)
4. My Demon Lover (1987)
5. Eegah! (1962)
6. Rebirth Of Mothra (1996)
7. Hell Comes To Frogtown (1987)
8. Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988)
9. The Video Dead (1987)
10. The Beast Of Yucca Flats (1961)

Ten Answers To Smiths/Morrissey Songs, In The Spirit Of 'Stephen, It Was Really Something'

1. What, now... or now?
2. I've heard this one before.
3. Well I still think it's funny.
4. I don't care, I'm still not listening.
5. Why, who are you anyway?
6. Because you keep telling us.
7. No I'm bloody not, skinny.
8. Well, since you asked so nicely, go on then.
9. Same difference.
10. I will not, it's really gone downhill since they renovated the Lock.

Ten People I Often Confuse In My Head

1. John Cale and JJ Cale
2. Kim Deal and Kim Gordon
3. Stuart Pearce and Paul Weller
4. Bernard Langer and Points West presenter Graham Purches
5. Andy Caddick and Tony Hadley

Friday, August 11, 2006

Ten Business Books With Overly Long Titles

1. 'Who Moved My Cheese? An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life' - Spencer Johnson
2. 'Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realise Your Potential for Lasting Fulfilment' - Martin Seligman
3. 'Advanced Selling Strategies: The Proven System of Sales Ideas, Methods and Techniques Used by Top Salespeople Everywhere' - Brian Tracy
4. 'It's not How Good You Are, It's How Good You Want to Be' – Paul Arden.
5. 'The Pyramid Principle: Present Your Thinking So Clearly That the Ideas Jump Off the Page and into the Reader's Mind' - Barbara Minto
6. 'The Present: The Gift That Makes You Happy and Successful at Work and in Life' - Spencer Johnson
7. 'Fish! Sticks: A Remarkable Way to Adapt to Changing Times and Keep Your Work Fresh' - Steve Lundin
8. 'What Color Is Your Parachute?: A Practical Guide for Job-Hunters and Career Changers' - Richard Nelson Bolles
9. 'How to Be an Even Better Chair: Sensible Advice About Chairing in the Charity, Not-for-Profit and Public Sectors' - Sophie Petit-Zeman
10. 'The 9 Ways of Working: How to Use the Enneagram to Discover Your Natural Strengths and Work More Effectively' - Michael J. Goldberg

*With thanks to the Iron Man.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Ten Phrases That Have Lost All Currency

1. Limited Edition
2. Genius
3. Exclusive!
4. Literally
5. Special
6. Best Ever
7. Public vote
8. The inside story
9. Professional
10. Representative government

Ouch, liddle bitta politics there.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Ten Alternatives To Air Guitar

1. Air Trombone
2. Air Cello
3. Air Harmonica
4. Air Theramin
5. Air Xylophone
6. Air Harp
7. Air Banjo
8. Air Washboard
9. Air One Man Band
10. Air Jew's Harp

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Ten Post-Punk Movements That Are Mentioned In 'Rip It Up And Start Again' By Simon Reynolds

1. 'Perverted Disco'
2. 'Avant-funk'
3. 'Motorik'
4. 'No Wave'
5. 'New Musick'
6. 'Meta-punk'
7. 'Scratchy-collapsy'
8. 'New Psychedelia'
9. 'Mutant Disco'
10. 'Industrial Devolution'

Ten Lesser-Known FAC Numbers

1. FAC 216 Vin D'Usine Rouge (Haçienda House Red Wine).
2. FAC 101 Disused warehouses in Manchester, intended for conversion.
3. FAC 253 A bet between Tony Wilson and Rob Gretton (that Wilson would resign if New Order's 'Round & Round' (FAC 263) wasn't a top five hit).
4. FAC 282 Flowers for Horse's wedding.
5. FAC 191 The Haçienda cat.
6. FAC 413 Jack magazine, Jan 2003 issue.
7. FAC 91 Facsoft computer game (based on 'Blue Monday')
8. FAC 54 A video of the construction of the Haçienda.
9. FAC 148 A sponsored bucket at the restored Styal Mill.
10. FAC 61 A lawsuit from Martin Hannett over unpaid royalties.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Ten Things You May Not Have Realised About David Hasselhoff

1. David Hasselhoff is the Most Watched TV Star in the World according to none other than the Guinness Book of World Records.
2. David Hasselhoff is a frequent visitor to children's hospitals.
3. David Hasselhoff recently received the International Star of the Year Award for Outstanding Contribution to Global Entertainment at the Bollywood Awards.
4. David Hasselhoff's last film was 'The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie'
5. Unfortunately David Hasselhoff will be unable to appear in the New Wimbledon Theatre's Christmas Pantomime Production of 'Peter Pan' due to conflicting commitments.
6. David Hasselhoff is the judge in a new NBC game show called 'America's Got Talent'.
7. That last bit is TBC, obviously.
8. David Hasselhoff's new single 'Jump In My Car' is in fact a cover version of The Ted Mulray Gang's 1975 "classic smash".
9. People who bought 'Baywatch The Movie: Nightmare Bay' from Amazon also bought 'Femalien'.
10. The screening of David Hasselhoff's 1994 pay-per-view Atlantic City concert was rather undermined by live footage of O.J. Simpson fleeing from Californian police on the other side.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Italian’s Ten Goalscorers In Germany 2006*

1. Materazzi
2. Del Pierro
3. Grosso
4. Toni
5. Zambrotta
6. Totti
7. Inzaghi
8. Gilardino
9. Pirlo
10. Iaquinta

*No, Zaccardo doesn 't count

Ten Things Materazzi Might Have Said To Zidane

1. "It means 'matresses' - here, have a go."
2. "Hey Zizou, what you gonna do, there's a lot of people coming for you/ Zizou, comment allez-vous.." etc
3. "Are you sure you didn't tear your wrist?"
4. "OK, now I'll be Skeletor and you be Ram-Man."
5. "I've got sloe and meth for your baby-sitter."
6. "And my next tattoo's going to be 'efil 4 enadiz'."
7. "Do you think I should use an Arabic font?"
8. "Sod penalties, let's settle it with Best Deaths."
9. "Fancy a game of headers and volleys of abuse?"
10. "Oh arse, I forgot you spoke Italian."

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Ten Interesting Pub Topics

1. Don't the makers of Poseidon realise that their 'upside down' poster reads "No die sod"?
2. Why does everyone insist English players are incapable of playing 4-5-1 when they play it most weeks with their club teams?
3. Is there a good way to ask kids on buses to turn their mobile clips down? (i.e. without getting stabbed?)
4. When those Thames Water ads claim their new pipes are going to save 143 million litres of water a day, isn't that a rather roundabout way of admiting that's what they're currently wasting?
5. Did Endemol not realise that by having a 'secret' Big Brother house they've now ended up with more contestants than they had at the beginning?
6. Is Steve McLaren going to have 6 strikers at the European Championships, and is his 'masterplan' to play them all at once like he did at Boro?
7. How come Paris Hilton's single is far better than it deserves to be?
8. And how come Justin Timberlake's is so rubbish?
9. Hang on a minute - I saw Plymouth win some game 4-0 on the news last night. So was that the break between seasons then? What... TWO DAYS?? Blimey. Etc
10. Don't policemen look young these days? Or are they just those new-fangled Community Policemen?

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Morrissey's Best Same-Word Rhymes

1. 'I will be in the bar/With my head on the bar' (The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get)
2. 'I would hate anything to happen to her/Would you please let me see her' (Girlfriend In A Coma)
3. 'But it goes on/And on/Oh goes on' (Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me)
4. 'I am a man of means/Of slender means' (Nowhere Fast)
5. 'Some girls' mothers/Are bigger than other girls' mothers' (Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others)
6. 'They don't want to believe us/And if they don't believe us now/Will they ever believe us?' (The Boy With The Thorn In His Side)
7. 'Cause tonight is just like any other night/That's why you're on your own tonight' (I Know It's Over)
8. 'Has the world changed/Or have I changed?' (The Queen Is Dead)
9. 'Shoplifters of the world/Unite and take over/Shoplifters of the world/Hand it over' (Shoplifters Of The World Unite)
10. 'All the love that you long for eludes you/And people are rude and cruel to you' (You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby)

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Ten Tell-Tale Signs I'm In My Thirties

1. Hearing a tribute band play the first song I got laid to.
2. Scoring five goals as a left back.
3. Talking about scoring five goals in a meaningless kickabout.
4. Realising my hip-hop dancing style looks more like Stan from the Housemartins.
5. Reminiscing about all-standing stadiums.
6. Knowing the words to 'This Time' by the 1982 England Squad.
7. Still trying to complete my New Order vinyl collection.
8. Adding some mint to my pea salad.
9. Volunteering to be a steward at a street party.
10. Getting angry about readers' letters in newspapers.

Ten Tattoos I'd Have If I Had The Balls

1. "Nothing Is Permanent"
2. Birdseye Frozen Peas Barcode (with expired 'best before' date)
3. "Don't Like Anyone Enough"
4. "Your Name Here"
5. "The Current Person In My Life"
6. "Band On The Run"
7. "Wake Me Up At Archway"
8. "Individual"
9. "Generic Statement"
10. "Prisoner Cell Block H"

Ten Song Titles For The Imaginary Band That Wouldn't Be Imaginary If Only I Had Any Musical Talent

1. Dead Skin
2. They Wouldn't Know
3. I'm So Loaded
4. Middle-Aged E-rush
5. They
6. I Won't Go Back
7. Please Ease Me
8. Arkwright Walk
9. I'm Not Going Anywhere
10. London Kills Me

Ten Sportsmen With Names That Seem Strangely Rubbish

1. Peter Crouch (football)
2. Tim Henman (tennis)
3. Mitch Gaylord (gymnastics)
4. Zab Judah (boxing)
5. Bert Ironmonger (cricket)
6. Fred (Brazilian footballer)
7. Rusty LaRue (basketball)
8. Jimmy Glass (football - goalkeeper)
9. Martin Damm (tennis)
10. Sandy Sadler (boxing)

*Sporting names lists with thanks to the bearded jiver

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Ten Amusing US Fantasy Football Team Names

1. Shutupunplay
2. Six Packers
3. Butt Ugly Martians
4. Can We Forfeit
5. Smell The Glove
6. Lactating Barbies
7. Butt Naked Amish
8. Phuk-n-a
9. Great With Milk
10. Go-nads!

Ten Sportsmen With Names That Seem Strangely Appropriate

1. Lance Armstrong (cycling)
2. Steve Cram (running)
3. Gary Speed (football)
4. Leo Houlding (rock climbing)
5. Marco Pantani (cycling)
6. Martin Corry (rugby)
7. David Boon (cricket)
8. Marvin Hagler (boxing)
9. George Best (football)
10. Bill Curley (basketball)

Monday, June 12, 2006

Ten Utterly Useless World Cup Statistics So Far*

1. Most popular time to score: 4th or 24th minute
2. First club team to have a scorer on both sides in same match: Chelsea (ARG v IVC)
3. Longest named scorer: Golmohammadi
4. Shortest named scorer: Lahm
5. Ratio of first half goals to second half goals: 1.3:1
6. No of minutes’ play before ten goals scored in total: 384
7. First game condescendingly referred to as “their final”: Angola v Portugal
8. Most common letter in goalscorers’ names: A (21 instances)
9. Second most common letter in goalscorers’ names: O (16 instances)
10. Most obvious anagram of goalscorer’s name: Goal Mohammid

*Accurate right up until the second I pressed send, when Rosicky scored

Ten types of footwear that sound like they belong in Middle Earth

1. Alpagarta
2. Solleret
3. Pisnet
4. Batts
5. Mukluk
6. Buskin
7. Opanke
8. Staeppescoh
9. Unhege-Sceo
10. Calc

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Ten True Facts About Chuck Norris That Are Acually True*

1. Chuck Norris would like to be remembered as a Humanitarian.
2. Chuck Norris won an award for the 'Texas Ranger' theme song.
3. Chuck Norris is dedicated to kicking drugs out of America.
4. Chuck Norris has returned to the faith of his youth.
5. Chuck Norris was born in Ryan (which is a place in Oklahoma, not a man).
6. Chuck Norris' real name is Carlos Ray Norris.
7. Chuck Norris taught martial arts to Priscilla Presley.
8. Chuck Norris lives on a ranch.
9. Chuck Norris turned down the part of Sensei Kreese in the Karate Kid on the grounds that he did not want his name ot be associated with villainy.
10. Chuck Norris is a firm believer of the maxim "When one door closes, a bigger one opens."

*One of which is also actually interesting (clue: it's no.7)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Ten Ways To Deface The Tube Door Signs To Make Them Amusing

1. Dan : keep every ear
2. anger: keep very clear
3. ange : hi
4. Dan : keep verythin
5. Danger: thin doors
6. hing e the doors
7. ange : i do
8. an ear
9. er: er thing
10. Danger: thin ear

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Ten Really Rubbish Come-Ons From A Sex Chat Site I Was Sent As Spam (Honest)

1. 'Getting a daily dose of protein rich yogurt can absolutely complete my day.'
2. 'I want to try it on the train's narrow bathroom. The cramped surface will only heighten the excitement.'
3. 'One of my sexual fantasies is to be able to get Usher down in (sic) his knees'
4. 'I love it when guys look down at my bulging melons.'
5. 'Kiss me lustily hard.'
6. 'I love letting him fondle my grassy garage.'
7. 'Let’s make it happen. I’m so warm that I didn’t realize that I’m actually masturbating.'
8. 'I’m going under!!!'
9. 'Don't just stand in the tub and go at it - this is a recipe for nasty slippage.'
10. 'Stretch out our foreplay by spending at least fifteen minutes in my erogenous zones.'

Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Ten Best Named Pet Shop Boys Fan Sites

1. Euphoric (UK:
2. Euroboy (Russia:
3. It's Not A Sin (Peru:
4. Ten Years Of Being Boring (Poland:
5. For My Own Good (Japan:
6. HistoryGraphy (Brazil:
7. Poetically (Germany:
8. Pet Shop Boys In Denial (Denmark:
9. Funnily Enough (UK:
10. Partly Pet Shop Boys (Russia:

The Ten Best Limited Edition Foodstuffs

1. Chunky Peanut Butter Kit Kat
2. Crunchie Bubbly
3. Wispaccino
4. Yorkie: the Nutter
5. Mini Pringles
6. Aero White
7. Dark & Gold Mars Bar
8. Cadbury Creme Egg Ice Lolly
9. Reese's Inside Out
10. Vanilla Ice Cream Monster Munch

Ten Great But Slightly Inappropriate Names For Dogs

1. Alan
2. Harold
3. Dave
4. Clive
5. Pete
6. Nicholas
7. Duncan
8. Colin
9. Keith
10. Gary

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Ten Things You Can Do One-Handed

1. Stifle a yawn
2. Salute (standard UK military, cub scout or Hitler)
3. Telephone your auntie
4. Clean out your ear canals with cotton buds*
5. Do the mime for sleeping
6. Play those little Brazilian shakey bell things (one at a time)
7. Celebrate a goal, Alan Shearer style
8. Count the number of weekdays on your fingers
9. Tell the traffic warden exactly what you think of him
10. Do a shadow puppet of a rearing horse

*Although both The Lister and Johnson's Cotton Buds warn that this could cause damage to the inner ear

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Ten Things You Can't Do One-Handed

1. Eat a kebab
2. Tie your laces
3. Explain something while drunk
4. Fish
5. Read a book in a standing-room-only tube carriage
6. Get dressed
7. Mime being trapped in a box
8. Balance
9. Fight
10. Blog

Monday, May 01, 2006

Ten i-Prefixed Websites that Are Nothing To Do With Apple


England's Ten Most Famous Metatarsals

1. David Beckham's Second (April 2002)
2. Gary Neville's Fifth (April 2002)
3. Danny Murphy's Second (May 2002)
4. Wayne Rooney's Fifth ( June 2004)
5. Steven Gerrard's Fifth (September 2004)
6. Scott Parker's Second (December 2004)
7. Ashley Cole's Fifth (October 2005)
8. Michael Owen's Fifth (January 2006)
9. Ledley King's Fourth (April 2006)
10. Wayne Rooney's Fourth (April 2006)

Thursday, April 27, 2006

The Ten Greatest Corporate Training Videos Ever*

1. But I Don't Have Any Customers
2. Would I Follow Me?
3. More Bloody Meetings
4. I'd Like A Word With You
5. It's Not Just About Sex Anymore
6. After All, You're The Supervisor!
7. Either Way You're Right
8. Give 'Em The Pickle!
9. And When You Fall
10. Finding The 'Up' In Upheaval

*All titles available via

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Ten Cold And Heartless Facts

1. You're fatter and older than you imagine yourself to be.
2. You'll never have a number one single.
3. Your best days are behind you.
4. You're never going to afford that yacht.
5. A kickaround in the park is the highest sporting achievement you can aspire to.
6. The only book inside you is a sadly derivative amateur effort.
7. You never could dance at the best of times: now it's frankly embarassing.
8. That person you've got your eye on is looking straight through you.
9. You can't beat The Man.
10. You're more like your parents than you'd like to admit.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Ten Reasons For The Decline And Fall Of TV

1. Too many lists
2. More shouty people than professorial types
3. 'Friends' repeats 24/7
4. Tendency to think that the fly on the wall format is in itself a stroke of comedy genius
5. Bizarre belief that catchphrases get better with repetition
6. Conviction that well-known 'Jack of All Trades' aphorism doesn't apply to celebrities
7. Reithian principles abandoned in favour of the Blobbyian
8. The steady and ignoble demotion of TOTP
9. The lack of country-wide programming a la 'Nationwide'
10. That brilliant bald bloke from 'Saturday Kitchen' losing his job to Anthony Worrall Thompson

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Ten Cambrian Mountain Villages I Bet You Can't Say Without Spitting

1. Llanfihangel-yng-Ngwynfa
2. Rhydycroesau
3. Penisarcwn
4. Deuddwr
5. Llanstanffraid-ym-Mechain
6. Lechrydau
7. Llanrhyaeadr-ym-Mochnant
8. Llynclys
9. Pentre’r Beirdd
10. Llanymawddwy

Welsh Appreciation courtesy of the Wedding Planner

Monday, April 17, 2006

Ten Things the Romans Weren't Clever Enough To Invent

1. The Duckworth-Lewis Method
2. The Four-Blade Razor
3. Post-Punk
4. The Fuel-Injection Engine
5. Braille
6. The Three Strikes You're Out Policy
7. Silver Goal Extra Time
8. Betamax
9. The George Foreman Griddle Pan
10. The North Circular

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Ten Words I Always Thought Were Pronounced Differently Until I Heard Them Spoken Aloud

1. Epitome
2. Marquis
3. Indubitably
4. Indictment
5. Bouillabaisse
6. Grosvenor
7. Efficacy
8. Evisu
9. Anathema
10. McMahon

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Ten Great Opening Lines

1. "Alright Curly, enough's enough." (Chinatown, 1974)
2. "Will you just watch the hair?" (Saturday Night Fever, 1977)
3. "This is the universe. Big isn't it?" (Stairway to Heaven, 1946)
4. "Somebody's comin', Pah." (Shane, 1953)
5. "Do not drink wine nor strong drink." (The Wild Bunch, 1969)
6. "I believe in America." (The Godfather, 1972)
7. "Radar!" (M*A*S*H, 1970)
8. "Who are you?" "I am death" (The Seventh Seal, 1956)
9. "Take off your clothes." (The Unbearable Lightness of Being, 1988)
10. "There's an old joke..." (Annie Hall, 1977)

Friday, March 31, 2006

J-Lo's Top Ten Pay Packets*

1. Monster-in-Law (2005): $15m
2= Gigli (2003): $12m
2= Maid In Manhattan (2002): $12m
4= Enough (2002): $10m
4= Shall We Dance (2004): $10m
6= The Wedding Planner (2001): $9m
6= Angel Eyes (2001): $9m
8. Anaconda (1997): $7m
9. The Cell (2000): $6m
10. Jersey Girl (2004): $4m

*Her one good effort: Blood & Wine (1997): $250,000

Monday, March 27, 2006

Ten Innocent Sounding Poisonous Things

1. Cowfish
2. Conus Snail
3. Sea Squirt
4. Flower Pot Mushroom
5. Cherry Sap
6. Dumb Cane
7. Small Postman Butterfly
8. Darling Pea
9. Wild Parsnip
10. Potato Bush

Friday, March 24, 2006

Ten Words You Don't See Enough Of

1. Gouache
2. Thorax
3. Episodic
4. Galloshes
5. Peripatetic
6. Coeval
7. Peraventure
8. Euphonious
9. Gimcrack
10. Rick Astley

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Ten Other Similes For Missing You That Are Better Than “Like The Deserts Miss The Rain”

1. Like The Photocopiers Miss The Arse
2. Like The Gunners Miss The Vieira
3. Like The Cats Miss The Nip
4. Like The Furnishes Miss The John
5. Like The Smiths Square Crisps Miss The Blue Salt Bag
6. Like The Completists Miss The Rare Vinyl Only Import
7. Like The Prime Ministers Miss The Support Of Their Grass Roots Party Members
8. Like The Popworld TV Programmes Miss The Original Presenters
9. Like The Super Mario Brothers Miss The Final Golden Key
10. Like The Invasion Plans Miss The UN Resolution

Ten Words That Could Fall Foul Of Predictive Texting

1. Coal
2. Dial
3. Aunt
4. Turf
5. Pict
6. Rips
7. Dual
8. Song
9. Yank
10. Coal (again)

Monday, March 20, 2006

Ten Lazy Journalism Standards

1. Claiming that Colleen Rooney was ever on the cover of Vogue
2. Men’s fashion magazines quoting Rufus Wainwright
3. Backwards writing sentences Yoda a bit like
4. Using “weapons of mass destruction” puns. Still
5. Starting articles with the words “Is it just me…” (short answer: yes)
6. Inventing new words to describe a trend you’ve cobbled together from three coincidental cases
7. Liberal interpretation of the words “exclusive” and “definitive”
8. Exclamation marks used in inverse proportion to points of interest
9. Never using an object or subject when an extra adjective will do
10. “Hilarious” picture captions that begin “XX was beginning to regret…”

Ten Random Odds Of Death

1. Fall from one level to another: 375,902/1
2. Foreign body entering through skin or natural orifice: 161,956/1
3. Legal execution: 55,597/1
4. Assault by fiream 315/1
5. Accidental poisoning through alcohol: 10,493/1
6. Struck by lightning: 56,439/1
7. Transport accident in three-wheeled motor vehicle: 177,380/1
8. Bitten or struck by mammal other than dog: 49,666/1
9. Drowning while falling into (or in) bathtub: 10,582/1
10. Inhalation of gastric contents: 10,095/1


Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Ten Signs Of A Good Night Out

1. Indelible smudge on the back of your hand
2. Lost voice
3. Cheesy tune on constant replay in head
4. More cash in your pocket than you remember going out with
5. Sore legs
6. Blank taxi receipt
7. Half-eaten junk food in fridge
8. Dull ringing in ears
9. Mysterious text messages on phone
10. Finding Chris Moyles funny

Friday, March 03, 2006

Ten Things That Definitely Aren't As Good As They Used To Be

1. KFC's secret recipe
2. Railway stations
3. Saturday morning children's TV
4. The foil seals on coffee jars
5. Use of the word 'guerilla' in general conversation
6. Local football derbies
7. Adverts
8. Public phoneboxes
9. Banks
10. The seasons

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Ten Names Of Ikea Products To Send An Icy Chill Through Your Very Heart

1. Glimminge
2. Agne
3. Skubb
4. Kvist
5. Humlarp
6. Ugglarp
7. Centrera Fat
8. Grundton
9. Rival
10. Gorm

Monday, February 27, 2006

Ten Pop Double Negatives

1. I Ain't Got Nobody - Sly & The Family Stone
2. Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers
3. Don't Mean Nothing - Nancy Sinatra
4. Never Learn Not To Love - The Beach Boys
5. Ain't Nobody - Rufus And Chaka Khan
6. I Ain't Never Gonna Give You Up - Paula Abdul
7. Ain't No More Cane On The Brazos - The Band
8. Never No More - Aaliyah
9. I Don't Need No Doctor - Ray Charles
10. Never Done Nothing Like That Before - Supergrass

Ten Film Spoilers

1. Soylent Green is people
2. He's a man in drag
3. Bruce Willis is dead too
4. It's the name of his sled
5. It's a made up name: but it's the Cripple you're after
6. The moral is, even if you own up you'll all get crucified anyway
7. Mr Memory has memorised it
8. She was dying of cancer
9. He didn't kill his father: he IS his father
10. He's a Replicant too (possiby)

Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Ten Best Named Tube Stations In London

1. Chalfont & Latimer
2. Debden
3. Fairlop
4. Cyprus
5. Mudchute
6. Chorleywood
7. Barkingside
8. Theydon Bois
9. Upney
10. Ickenham

Ten Ace Pharaohs

1. Re'neb
2. Khufu (Cheops)
3. Ay
4. Shoshenq II
5. Peftjauwubast
6. Hotopsekhemwy
7. Takelot II
8. Snefru
9. Queen Twosret
10. Aha

Ten Great Font Names

1. Zebrawood Regular
2. Frutiger
3. Spoleto
4. Wet Napkin
5. Buckeroo
6. Chivalry
7. Monkeyboy
8. Quinquefoliolate
9. Jabbie Junior
10. Wait And Bleed

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Ten Half-Decent Punchlines That Aren't '...The Aristocrats!'

1. I know and I'm only thikthteen
2. Ian fell over
3. And the doctor hits it on the head with a cricket bat
4. That's OK, I'm not really a nun - I'm the bus conductor
5. In that case I'll have 20 Marly Lites thanks
6. Oi! Get off my f***ing bonnet!
7. A rabbit on a motorbike
8. And then all of a sudden this brick comes out of nowhere
9. Dot
10. Aaaargh, trying to get tapes from Manchester

With thanks to

Ten Things I Regret Saying Last Night

1. You know Steve don't you?
2. I like your record
3. Hi I played football with you once
4. Who's birthday is it?
5. She slept with who?
6. I was expecting you to have a beard
7. What's your name again?
8. Can you make my friend a birthday cocktail?
9. We need to put the rubbish out
10. We'll go after this one

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Ten Classic 'Skip The Middle Bit' Books

1. Being and Nothingness
2. Foucault's Pendulum
3. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists
4. Vernon God Little
5. Tender is the Night
6. A Confederacy of Dunces
7. One Hundred Years of Solitude
8. Ulysses
9. Anna Karenina
10. The Bible

Monday, February 13, 2006

Pop's Ten Most Awkward Parentheses

1. (White Man) In Hammersmith Palais - The Clash
2. (You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman - Aretha Franklin
3. (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher & Higher - Jackie Wilson
4. (I’m Always Touched By Your) Presence, Dear - Blondie
5. (You Caught Me) Smilin’ - Sly & The Family Stone
6. (Get A) Grip (On Yourself) - The Stranglers
7. (When You) Call Me - The Style Council
8. (This Is Not A) Love Song - PiL
9. (Song For My) Sugar Spun Sister - The Stone Roses
10. () - Sigur Ros

Ten Phrases That Have Never Been Spoken Truthfully In The History Of People Speaking Aloud

1. It's alright, I was awake anyway
2. With all due respect...
3. It was like that when I found it
4. I was just about to do it
5. I don't mean to interrupt...
6. I'm still listening
7. I'll see what I can do
8. Honestly, I don't mind either way
9. It won't take more than five minutes
10. I don't mean to be rude...

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Ten Historical Dates Yet To Be Turned Into Books / Films*

1. 1307
2. 816 BC
3. 1863
4. 996
5. 1722
6. 2003
7. 402
8. 11 BC
9. 1476
10. 1049

*With thanks to 016 (AD)

Monday, February 06, 2006

Ten Selling Points That Aren't As Unique As They Used To Be

1. With LCD Display
2. Front-loading tape deck
3. Cordless
4. Issue Two free with Issue One
5. With gripping hand action
6. Speaks six common phrases
7. Voice-activated
8. Infra-red
9. Maxi-sized
10. With own carrying case

Ten Terrible Ideas For Lists

1. Any attempt to objectively rate and compare music
2. A team of eleven players who never played in the World Cup finals
3. Foreign products with names that sound slightly rude in English
4. Any list involving goals
5. Anything that involves dissecting the plot of Star Wars
6. Lists claiming to tell men what they should have done before the age of X
7. Lists of things you shouldn’t say to certain groups of people
8. Homer Simpson quotes
9. Changing the titles of songs to fit a laboured topical theme
10. Anything at all that includes a pun

Ten Grandchildren Queen Victoria Could Quite Easily Have Got Muddled Up

1. Albert Victor Christian Edward
2. Albert William Henry
3. Albert John Charles Frederic Alfred George
4. Arthur Frederick Patrick Albert
5. George Frederick Ernest Albert
6. Alfred Alexander William Ernest Albert
7. Frederick William Victor Albert
8. Christian Victor Albert Ludwig Ernest Anton
9. Ernest Louis Charles Albert William
10. Victoria Alberta Elizabeth Matilda Mary

Bob Dylan's Top Five Feet Of Clay Moments

1. Wiggle wiggle wiggle rattle and shake / Wiggle like a big fat snake (Wiggle Wiggle)
2. You may be a construction worker working on a home / You may be living in a palace or you might live in a dome (Gotta Serve Somebody)
3. He saw milk comin' out but he didn't know how / 'I think I'll call it a cow' (Man Gave Names To All The Animals)
4. Ten thousand men on a hill / Some of em going down, some of em gonna get killed (10,000 Men)
5. He drank Coca Cola, he was eating Wonder Bread / Ate Burger Kings, he was well fed (Clean-Cut Kid)

Ten Great Additions To The English Language Provided By The Sadly Defunct/Internet Brand-Extended Smash Hits*

1. No sniggering at the back
2. Sir Fab Macca Whacky Thumbs ALoft
3. Marilyn - does anyone still want him?
4. Pop vixtress
5. Swoonsome
6. Herbacious borders
7. Puh-lease / Ack-cher-loi
8. Sir William Of Idol
9. Lord Freddy Of Mercurydom
10. It's like punk never happened

*Or, to be more precise, Neil Tennant

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Ten Convincing Pieces Of Evidence To Prove The Existence Of A 'Superman Curse'

1. Christopher Reeve falls from his horse and is paralysed, eventually dying of complications arising from his injuries.
2. George Reeves found dead with a gunshot wound to the head.
3. Margot Kidder suffers a nervous breakdown.
4. Richard Pryor dies from severe multiple sclerosis.
5. Kirk Alyn fails to sustain a film career.
6. Bud Collyer dies of a circulatory ailment.
7. Dean Cain appears in 'Gentle Ben 2: Danger On The Mountain'.
8. Teri Hatcher (allegedly) falls out with her 'Desperate Housewives' co-stars at a magazine photoshoot and is then libelled by a UK tabloid. Or something.
9. Marlon Brando fails to live up to his early potential, his son kills his daughter's boyfriend. His daughter commits suicide. He dies.
10. Adolf Hitler misappropriates Nietsche's theory of the Superman, indirectly resulting in the Holocaust.

Ten Bad Career Moves Billy Dee Williams Made After 'The Empire Strikes Back'

1. Secret Agent 00 Soul (1990)
2. Deadly Illusion (1987)
3. Time Bomb (1984)
4. The Return Of Desperado (1988)
5. Hood Of Horror (2006)
6. Triple Cross (1985)
7. Message From Nam (1993)
8. Alien Intruder (1993)
9. Dangerous Passion (1990)
10. Fear Runs Silent (1999)

Monday, January 30, 2006

Five Cosmopolitan Claims For London At The Turn Of The Last Century

1. More Jews than in all Palestine
2. More Roman Catholics than in Rome
3. More Scotchmen than in Aberdeen
4. More Irishmen than in Belfast
5. More Welshmen than in Cardiff

Ten Mysteries Of Modern Life

1. When did shop dummies first get nipples?
2. More to the point, why?
3. What happened to talking bins?
4. Chris Evans: where did it all go wrong?
5. How come the Liberals aren’t very liberal when it comes to choosing their leaders?
6. Is air travel a bad thing now then?
7. If the Pet Shop Boys, Human League and Depeche Mode are all cool again, is it alright to like Howard Jones too?
8. Has Sir Clive Sinclair invented anything since 1985?
9. All that time away to think and Noel Edmonds still kept the goatee…
10. So is Jamie Foxx a singer now, or is he still acting being a singer on his new record?

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Top Ten Headlines About George Galloway Since He Went In The Big Brother House

1. George In Dodgepot Shocker (
2. Galloway Finally Implodes (The Sun)
3. Career Meltdown For Galloway (Ch4 News)
4. McCririck Hits Out At Galloway (ITN)
5. Oor Georgie - But Whaur's Jeemy? (Daily Record)
6. George Galloway Has Sung In An Elvis Wig (BBC News)
7. Galloway In Death Threat (The Sun)
8. Queen Could Punish Galloway (UTV)
9. Galloway Loses Respect (Daily Telegraph)
10. George Galloway: Pussy (

Top Ten Causes Of Road Traffic Deaths In London In 1887 (Number Of Persons Killed In Brackets)

1. Vans (30)
2. Light Carts (22)
3. Cabs (20)
4. Heavy Carts (15)
5. Wagons and Drays (13)
6. Omnibuses and Cars (7)
7. Broughmans and Carriages (6)
8=. Horses Ridden (2)
8=. Covered Vehicles (2)
10. Traction Engines (1)

source: Chas. Baker & Co's Pocket Map Of London, 1887

Monday, January 23, 2006

Population Of London By Nationality In 1881 (edited highlights)

1. English: 3,934,368
2. Irish: 80,778
3. Scotch: 49,554
4. Welsh: 28,085
5. Germans: 21,966
6. French: 8,251
7. Italians: 3,504
8. Russians: 1,778
9. Swedes: 904
10. Danish 533
11. Spaniards: 473
12. Greeks: 228
13. Portuguese: 151
14. Roumanians (sic): 36
15. Servians (sic): 4

source: 1881 census

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Ten Cover Versions I'd Like To Have Heard

1. Stiff Little Fingers - Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves
2. The Fall - Wham! Rap
3. Kraftwerk - Talk
4. Billy Bragg - Candle In The Wind
5. Syd Barrett - Barnaby The Bear
6. Gram Parsons -I Just Can't Get You Out Of My Head
7. Michael Jackson - Hurt
8. Mary J Blige - Push The Button
9. Bob Dylan - I Believe In A Thing Called Love
10. Willy Nelson - When Doves Cry

Ten Countries That No Longer Exist

1. Bechuanaland
2. Tannu Tuva
3. Biafra
4. Moresnet
5. Wallachia
6. Upper Volta
7. Spanish Sahara
8. Katanga
9. Ifni
10. Fernando Po

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Billy Bragg's Ten Clunkiest Song Titles

1. Chile Your Waters Run Red Through Soweto
2. A Nurse's Life Is Full Of Woe
3. Help Save The Youth Of America
4. The Clashing Of Ideologies
5. The Marching Song Of The Covert Battalions
6. Nicaragua Nicaraguita
7. I Dreamed I Saw Phil Ochs Last Night
8. I Don't Need This Pressure Ron
9. A13, Trunk Road To The Sea
10. Scholarship Is The Enemy Of Romance

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Ten Famous People I've Seen On The Way To Work (In Order Of Impressiveness)

1. Louise Wener
2. Anthony Worral-Thompson
3. Frank Dobson
4. Normski
5. Phill Jupitus
6. Liz Bonnin from 'RI:SE'
7. Christopher Fairbank from 'Auf Weidersen, Pet'
8. Chris Cunningham
9. Timothy Spall
10. Nick Cave

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Ten Product Recommendations From Soldier Magazine's 'Retail Recce'

1. Concise Illustrated Battlefield Guide: The Western Front
2. M*A*S*H Season 9 DVD
3. From Russia With Love (PS2, Xbox, Gamecube)
4. Diplomacy (PC)
5. Call Of Duty: Big Red One (PS2, Xbox, Gamecube)
6. American Conquest: Divided Nation (PC)
7. Battlefield 2: Modern Combat (PS2, Xbox)
8. Operation Flashpoint Elite (Xbox)
9. Bowman digitised communications system
10. VIPIR thermal imaging system

Sunday, January 15, 2006

10 Surprisingly Bad Football Pundits

1. Graeme Le Saux
2. John Barnes
3. Steve Claridge
4. Rodney Marsh
5. Peter Schmeichel
6. Martin O'Neil
7. Jamie Redknapp
8. Alan Shearer
9. Bobby Robson
10. George Best (RIP)

Ten Unpopular Female Jobs In England And Wales In 1931 (Total Number Of Women Employed In Brackets)

1. Fishermen (80)
2. Clog Makers (79)
3. Coopers, Hoop Makers and Benders (79)
4. Skilled Workers in Ale (50)
5. Mechanical Engineers (45)
6. Shepherds (25)
7. Metal Foundry Foremen (7)
8. Glass Ware Gatherers (4)
9. Millwrights (2)
10. Tram Drivers (1)

*Source: 1931 Census of England and Wales

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Ten Things That Are Troubling Me

1. Shouldn't E4+1 be called E4-1, strictly speaking?
2. Why does Luis Garcia suck his thumb like that?
3. Who compiled the John Peel 'tribute' CD, and don't they think its predictability does his memory something of a disservice?
4. Is there anything that actually constitutes 'food' in an IKEA hotdog?
5. Why do they keep calling it 'ITV1' when some of us still think of it as Channel 3?
6. Is an egg an animal?
7. Zits inside the nostril: why have they only appeared since 2004?
8. Isn't it a bit odd that you never hear Simon Cowell talk passionately about his favourite music?
9. How could Rick Rubin produce that Shakira album in between Johnny Cash and Neil Diamond?
10. How come you can get a Barbour jacket fixed for life, but not an iPod?

Friday, January 13, 2006

Ten Headlines From The Hull Daily Mail (Incorporating The East Riding Mail) That Could Just As Easily Be Song Titles By Sufjan Stevens

1. Hearty Soup Ousts Council Cream Cakes
2. Under 10s Ask For Help To Kick Habit
3. Water Way To Cross A River
4. Why Should The Public Buy Councillors Soup And Rolls?
5. The US Star Who Made Holderness Her Home
6. Five Year Wait For Playtime Is Over
7. A Purrfect Way To Fight Drugs
8. Build Us A Place To Leave Our Cars
9. We Will Mend Your Wendy House, Luda
10. Level Of Problem Dictates Solution

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Ten Cynical Book Titles

1. The Author Is Deceitful Above All Things
2. A Million Little White Lies*
3. 100 Years Of People With The Same Name
4. (A Book I Knocked Off On) Saturday
5. Is It Just Me Or Does Every New Release Have Shite In The Title?
6. The Wind-Up Your Reader Chronicle
7. Extremely Loud And Incredibly Over-Exposed
8. A Heart-Breaking Work Of Staggering Market Placement
9. The Possibility Of An Island (Of Pseudo-Intellectual Misogyny)
10. Indecision (Followed By Cop-Out)

*Buy this title and get My Friend The Truth half price

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The Answer Sheet To The Bob Dylan Section Of Every Pub Quiz Ever

1. A bottle of bread
2. Ronnie Hawkins
3. 115th
4. I will accept either Judas Priest or John Wesley Harding
5. Homer
6. 1963 and 1988 (there have been two world champion boxers called Davey Moore)
7. Olivia Newton-John
8. Vomit fire
9. It officially ended in 1983
10. “What is this shit?”

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Ten Inner Groove Messages From Smiths/Morrissey Records

1. Slap me on the patio (This Charming Man)
2. The impotence of Ernest (William, It Was Really Nothing)
3. Our souls, our souls, our souls (That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore)
4. Arty bloody farty (The Boy With The Thorn In His Side)
5. I dreamt about stew last night (Panic)
6. Are you loathsome tonight? (Ask)
7. Cook Bernard Matthews (Sheila Take A Bow)
8. Guy Fawkes was a genuis (Strangeways Here We Come)
9. Aesthetics Versus Athletics (Bona Drag)
10. Nothing to declare except my jeans (Kill Uncle)

Ten Great FA Cup Cliches Observed This Weekend

1. Cardboard cut-out of FA Cup, covered in silver foil.
2. Plucky side matching Premiership team for 70 minutes.
3. Lucrative replay at Old Trafford.
4. Humorous chant about Delia Smith.
5. Man clutching corner flags stood next to manager on TV.
6. Champagne celebration in the third round.
7. Pitch invasion.
8. Keeper in opposition penalty area.
9. Goal from halfway line.
10. Football, eh? Bloody hell.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Great Swear Words Of The Past

1. Shitten shepherd
2. Queint
3. Brock
4. Sfoot
5. Slangrill
6. Zounds
7. Hogges tord
8. Turtle's egg
9. Fichtre
10. Chretien

Ten (UK) Big Brother Contestants I Bet You'd Forgotten About

1. Gos
2. Vanessa
3. Elizabeth
4. Stuart
5. Lynne
6. Alison
7. Sandy
8. Gaetano
9. Tom
10. Cameron

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Four More Daily Classics From The Daily Mail

1. Lessons in gay history for pupils aged seven
2. Now Labour pulls plug on swimming pools
3. Housing ladder: only way is up
4. The AA: Absolutely Awful

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Bernard Sumner's Ten Worst Rhymes

1. Here comes love, it's like honey / You can't buy it with money (Crystal)
2. But out there the world is a beautiful place / With mountains, lakes and the human race (Krafty)
3. Every second counts / When I am with you / I think you are a pig / You should be in a zoo (Every Little Counts)
4. I like walking in the park / When it gets late at night / I move round in the dark (Subculture)
5. Even now, I'm all alone / Behind a wall that's made of stone (State Of The Nation)
6. My wife she lay upon the floor / And with tears her eyes were sore (Love Vigilantes)
7. Love is the cure for every evil / Love is the air that supports the eagle (Thieves Like Us)
8. It don't take no Houdini / To tell me what I am / Parasites and literasites / They'd burn me if they can (All The Way)
9. But even though I give you special treatment / You keep getting high, juvenile delinquent (Chemical)
10. Your country is a wonderful place / It pales my England into disgrace / To buy a drink that is so much more reasonable / I think I'll go there when it gets seasonable (Sooner Than You Think)

The Four Most Daily Mail Headlines In Today's Daily Mail

1. PC culture 'causes more harm than good'
2. Teen recovering after 'snowball rage' attack
3. Tramp stole my hospital bed!
4. How to spot criminals? Cut them in half!

Monday, January 02, 2006

Ten Songs That Namecheck Reebok Classics

1. Arctic Monkeys - 'A Certain Romance'
2. Babyshambles - 'Albion'
3. Pete Doherty - 'Hooray For The 21st Century'
4. Beanie Sigel (feat Snoop Dogg) - 'Don't Stop'
5. Paul Wall - 'They Don't Know Freestyle'
6. M.I.A. - 'Sunshowers'
7. Red Venom - 'B-Boy Supreme'
8. Hot Boys - 'Jack Who, Take What?'
9. Big Tymers - 'Nigga Couldn't Know'
10. 50 Pence - 'P.I.N.T.'

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Eleven Answers To Prince Songs

1. But How Could U B? Eye Know U R A Man
2. What Look Would That B?
3. It's OK, Ronnie Did Already. In Eye-celand
4. B Cos U R Weird On Tha Phone
5. But U Would Be Even Less Use Dead
6. Well That's Fine Cos I Am Happy With My Man
7. I'd Rather Not Bone At All If It's All The Same 2 U
8. Yes, True - But Usually It Just Rains
9. Then Y Do U Keep Using That Squiggle Thing? Or Is That All In The Past Now?
10. It Might Not Matter But How Are We Going To Get Home? I Spent My Last 2 Quid On That Kebab
11. You Mean Let's Pretend 2 Bicker About Tha Washing Up? No Thanx I'm Doing My Hair

Ten Footballers Who Sound like Literary Characters

1. Lovenkrands
2. Fortune
3. Queudrue
4. Pennant
5. Hoyte
6. Doumbe
7. Unsworth
8. Huddlestone
9. Bowditch
10. Fulop

Ten Legitimate Grounds For Divorce

1. The sound of defendant’s eating.
2. Defendant’s consistent finishing of the milk.
3. Defendant’s collection of small and allegedly “cute” figurines.
4. Defendant’s constant use of pet names in public.
5. Defendant’s inability to use the clutch correctly.
6. Defendant’s hogging of the remote control.
7. Defendant’s refusal to acknowledge the genius of Bob Dylan / George Best / Billie Piper.
8. Defendant’s sniggering at plaintiff’s stash of vintage comics “which must be worth a fair bob or two nowadays”.
9. Defendant’s lack of respect for stylus.
10. Defendant’s reliance on overly familiar gags that weren’t particularly funny 15 years ago.

Ten Things That Aren’t Half As Bad As People Make Out

1. Peter Crouch
2. Brussels sprouts
3. McFly
4. Ringo Starr
5. Political Correctness
6. The United States of America
7. The London Underground
8. Manchester United
9. Anti-smoking fascism
10. The Kids

Ten New Year’s Resolutions Worth Sticking To (Compiled With The Help Of Popular Songs)

1. (Don’t give love) a bad name.
2. Tell her tonight.
3. Emancipate self from mental slavery.
4. Let her down easy.
5. Don’t get lost in heaven.
6. Never fall in love again.
7. Kick out the Jams.
8. Make him feel (mighty real).
9. Be her dog.
10. Just be thankful for what you’ve got.