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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Ten Places You Can See Swastikas in the UK

1. Around the dome of the BBC's Bush House
2. Along the gates at the back of the Royal Academy
3. On every Maharishi product
4. Around Manchester's Central Library
5. On Baden-Powell's Medal of Merit for Scouts (c1922)
6. On the Swastika Stone, Ilkley moor, Yorkshire
7. As the emblem of the British National War Savings Committee from WWI
8. On the war memorial at Balmoral Castle
9. On the dust jacket of Rudyard Kipling's books
10. In the floor tiles of NatWest bank, Derby Street, Bolton

Ten One-Line Reviews

1. Changeling: Angelina Jolie shouts a bit too much
2. Mamma Mia: Only the out of tune men fully grasp the concept of a karaoke movie
3. Revolutionary Road: Getting Married? May as well kill yourself now
4. In Bruges: "Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf" = line of the year
5. Milk: Sean Penn for Mayor
6. Frost/Nixon: They can't have been that amateur, surely?
7. The 39 Steps (2008 TV version): Worst use of a ventriloquist's dummy ever
8. No Country For Old Men: Should have finished 20 mins sooner
9. The Duchess: She's quite good you know
10. Generation Game (1970s rerun); Best thing on telly all Christmas

Ten Signs I'm Middle Aged

1. Tutting at Radio One
2. Really wanting to stay in on New Year's Eve
3. Feeling 100% relaxed and calling the officer 'mate' when being pulled over for a random festive breathalyser
4. Getting irate about any band that has a swearword in their title
5. Siding with the Daily Mail over Wossgate
6. Being more concerned about getting back to feed the cats than having 'one for the road'
7. Thinking 'one for the road' is a really irresponsible phrase, especially given (3)
8. Having my eyes on a nice cardie in the January sales
9. Not thinking I'd miss out on anything by moving to the countryside
10. Realising my age is half the average national life expectancy

Ten Uses For The Extra Second The Boffins Have Given Us For New Year's Eve*

1. Shout "HAPP…"
2. Make an eleventh resolution
3. Add "…ryingoutloud" to the F-word you just shouted
4. Swiftly cross your fingers after that promise you just made
5. Pour yourself a second's more wine into the glass
6. Rewind the Ian Faith/"money talks" bit from Spinal Tap
7. Try and work out the second line to Auld Lang Syne
8. Try and point out that you hadn't read the new issue of The Word magazine when you wrote that last post
9. Listen to one of these again
10. Have another second in bed

* See here for extra second news

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Ten Alternative Phrases Almost As Stupid As The Credit Crunch

1. The Economic Eek
2. The Financial Filibuster
3. The Dollar Doldrum
4. The Market Mayhem
5. The Bank Balls-up
6. The Sub-Prime Sucker-Punch
7. The Sterling Stunner
8. The Treasury Trump
9. The Lehman Lemming
10. The Realty Recession

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Ten Shops I Used To look Forward To Visiting*

1. Exeter Pram & Toy Shop
2. BOY
3. Fat Cat
4. HyperHyper
5. Michiko Koshino
6. Tower Records
7. Casio G-Shock Shop
8. Ray's Jazz
9. Kensington Market
10. Soul II Soul

*That Aren't There Anymore. Or At Least Not Where They Used To Be. You Get My Drift.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Ten Things I'm Afraid I Need To Buy On National Buy Nothing Day

1. A present for my mum's birthday
2. And perhaps a card too
3. And the postage
4. Cat Litter
5. Toffee Nut Latte*
6. Breakfast sandwich
7. Newspaper
8. Bus fare to Highgate
9. Pub lunch
10. And perhaps half a pint too please, mister bar guy

*I tell you what, I won't have cream on top. How's that?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Ten Hobbies and Professions of BNP Members (Other Than Policeman)

1. Manager: petrol filling station (Class 1 snooker referee)
2. Distribution driver (Royal Mail). Active Odinist/member of Pagan organisations
3. Retired local government officer. Static caravan on East Coast
4. Driving instructor (discount for BNP members)
5. Business owner (antiquities) / Lord. Has two suits of medieval 14th & 15th century armour and can joust for rallies
6. Mobile DJ with singing partner, snakes & spiders
7. Hobbies: criminal justice system, bowls
8. Member describes himself as a witch: potential embarrassment if active
9. Hobbies: walking, Tai Chi Chuan. Buddhist, interested in Daoism
10. Slaughterman (NVQS in slaughtering)

Ten of the First Books Ever Printed in English

1. Recuyell of the Historyes of Troye (1473)
2. Game and Playe of the Chesse (1474)
3. Chaucer's Canterbury Tales (1476)
4. Dictes or Sayengis of the Philosophres (1477)
5. Boke of Histories of Jason (1477)
6. History of Godefrey of Boloyne and the Conquest of Iherusalem (1481)
7. The Golden Legend (1483)
8. The Book of the Knight in the Tower (1484)
9. The English Charlemagne Romances, Parts III and IV, The Lyf of the Noble and Crysten Prynce Charles the Grete (1485)
10. The Fayttes of Armes and of Chyualrye (1489)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Ten Good Places To Write Those Books Below

1. Rejkajvik
2. Ferry Cottage, Cliveden
3. Topsham
4. Okehampton
5. Lausanne
6. Paros
7. The White House, Aston Munslow
8. Casa Malaparte
9. Dungeness
10. Here

Ten Provisional Book Titles

1. The Great British Tree Biography
2. Hackneyed
3. The Diet
4. Septimius Severus: The African Emperor
5. Twelfth Man (12 plays about cricket)
6. The Cuckoo Nest
7. Production Hell
8. The Prince Regent Cookbook
9. Unusual Comedy: The Magical World Of Michael Head
10. All Fiction Is Lying

Ten Terrible Alternative Names For New Order*

1. Mau Mau
2. Junta Black Watch
3. The Truth
4. Instant Karma
5. Anti-People
6. Maxim Gorky
7. Angry Brigade
8. Radical Jesuits
9. Complex
10. Teutonic Knights

*AS considered by their manager Rob Gretton. Courtesy of The Word magazine

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Ten Unforeseen Consequences Of The Global Recession

1. I might finally finish that Battlestar Galactica Boxset
2. Those tinned peaches at the back of the cupboard might see some more action
3. The holiday to Iceland might be back on
4. Starbucks will probably have to turn that tap off
5. Newcastle could be stuck with Kinnear longer than they expected
6. I can illegally download that ridiculously overpriced Dylan album without feeling guilty
7. 'Mandelson Has Gallstones' becomes national headline news
8. No-one seems to care about those polar bears any more, least of all George Bush
9. Hip hop ditches the whole bling thing and gets back to being good again
10. Bernie Ecclestone has just the one boiled egg (plus soldiers) for breakfast

Friday, June 13, 2008

Ten Annie Lennox of the Year Awards

1 BRITs 1984 - Best British Female Solo Artist
2 BRITs 1986 - Best British Female Solo Artist
3 BRITs 1989 - Best British Female Solo Artist
4 BRITs 1990 - Best British Female Solo Artist
5 BRITs 1993 - Best British Female Solo Artist
6 BRITs 1993 - Best British Album (for Diva)
7 Grammy Awards 1995 - Best Female Pop Vocal Performance (for No More I Love You's)
8 BRITs 1996 - Best British Female Solo Artist
9 BRITs 1999 - Outstanding Contribution to British Music (Eurythmics)
10 Oscars 2004 - Best Original Song (for Into The West)

Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Ten Best Seconds In The History Of Popular Music

1. Bob Dylan, Tell Me Momma ('Royal Albert Hall' Bootleg) - 3'25"
2. Dexy's Midnight Runners - This Is What She's Like - 6'50"
3. Pixies - Debaser - 0'04"
4. Billy Bragg - Must I Paint You A Picture - 0'55"
5. The Beach Boys - Good Vibrations - 2'14"
6. Serge Gainsbourg - Requiem Pour Un Con - 0'04"
7. Bob Marley - I'm Still Waiting - 0'46"
8. Wu-Tang Clan - C.R.E.A.M. - 0'26"
9. Levon & The Hawks - He Don't Love You (And He'll Break Your Heart) - 0'47"
10. Aphex Twin - Digeridoo - 4'14"

Ten Truthful Men's Mag Coverlines

1. "20 watches you can't afford but which paid for half our ad budget."
2. "Why our generation invented youth culture and it was much better than yours."
3. "Ten posh hotels we blagged for free."
4. "We've got nothing to say about this woman but we needed her for the cover."
5. "If I didn't work at this mag I'd never have a bespoke suit."
6. "We discovered this band by sitting at our desks waiting for the PRs to email us about them."
7. "It's a bit gay but that's fashion for you."
8. "We needed to mention 'The last taboo' here. We'll decide what it is later."
9. "We borrowed this car for the weekend. Smug enough for you?"
10. "The word 'Sex' in big letters is only here to shift units."

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Ten Legendary Coreys

1. Corey Feldman
2. um, Corey Haim
3. Shawn Corey Carter
4. Cory In The House
5. Plain old Corey
6. Corey Hart
7. Corey Miller
8. Corey Smith
9. Corey Worthington (above)
10. Corey Delaney (um, also above)

Ten Films With Intriguing 'Plot Keywords' On IMDB

1. The Goonies: "Language Barrier / Group Vomit / Lifting Person In Air / Blender / Toupee"
2. Hulk: "Box Office Flop / Dream Sequence / Crushed To Death / Dog Killed / Barefoot"
3. Blade Runner: "Shot In The Chest / Strangulation / Japanese / Cyberculture / Cigarette Smoking"
4. Ferris Bueller's Day Off: "Generation Gap / Animal Door / Coming Of Age / Odometer / Hypochondriac"
5. American Psycho: "Atm Machine / Sexual Perversion / Axe In The Head / White Collar / Christmas"
6. Ghostbusters II: "Allegory / Baby / Infant Nudity / Quirky / Bookstore"
7. Brokeback Mountain: "Bar / Sheep / Thanksgiving / Mailbox / Lost Love"
8. Alien: "Very Little Dialogue / Airshaft / Trapped / Cattle Prod / Tentacle"
9. National Lampoon's European Vacation: "Satirical / Urban Legend / Bumbler / Interrupted Sex / Rude Waiter"
10. Star Wars: "Alien Race / Hyperspace / Wuxia Fiction / Lifted By The Throat / Incest Kiss"

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Three Books That Come With Recommendations By Julie Burchill

1. The Modern Maiden's Handbook: The Shameless Girls' Guide to Blameless Living (Nina De la Mer)
2. A Year In The Life Of TheManWhoFellAsleep (Greg Stekelman)
3. How To Lose Friends And Alienate People (Toby Young)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Ten Reasons Why 'Everything She Wants' Is The Greatest Pop Single Of The 80s

1. It's a love song about hating a Thatcherite capitalist.
2. Just in case the message got lost, it contains the line 'My God! I don't even think that I love you!'
3. It either doesn't have a chorus, or it's got about eight.
4. The bassline sounds like early Eddy Grant.
5. "And now you tell me that you're having my baby /
I'll tell you that I'm happy if you want me to /
But one step further and my back will break /
If my best isn't good enough /
Then how can it be good enough for two?"
6. The "Don't you tell me" backing vocals are proof he was a big fan of Landscape.
7. The best bit is the "My situation" bridge, which is only on the remix.
8. At one point the lyrics to the backing vocals are: "Wham! Wham!" Wham!"
9. That's probably the only bit he let Andrew do.
10. It's from an album called 'Wham! Make It Big', which the Pet Shop Boys would kill their grandmothers to have come up with first.