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Saturday, July 29, 2006

Ten Alternatives To Air Guitar

1. Air Trombone
2. Air Cello
3. Air Harmonica
4. Air Theramin
5. Air Xylophone
6. Air Harp
7. Air Banjo
8. Air Washboard
9. Air One Man Band
10. Air Jew's Harp

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Ten Post-Punk Movements That Are Mentioned In 'Rip It Up And Start Again' By Simon Reynolds

1. 'Perverted Disco'
2. 'Avant-funk'
3. 'Motorik'
4. 'No Wave'
5. 'New Musick'
6. 'Meta-punk'
7. 'Scratchy-collapsy'
8. 'New Psychedelia'
9. 'Mutant Disco'
10. 'Industrial Devolution'

Ten Lesser-Known FAC Numbers

1. FAC 216 Vin D'Usine Rouge (Haçienda House Red Wine).
2. FAC 101 Disused warehouses in Manchester, intended for conversion.
3. FAC 253 A bet between Tony Wilson and Rob Gretton (that Wilson would resign if New Order's 'Round & Round' (FAC 263) wasn't a top five hit).
4. FAC 282 Flowers for Horse's wedding.
5. FAC 191 The Haçienda cat.
6. FAC 413 Jack magazine, Jan 2003 issue.
7. FAC 91 Facsoft computer game (based on 'Blue Monday')
8. FAC 54 A video of the construction of the Haçienda.
9. FAC 148 A sponsored bucket at the restored Styal Mill.
10. FAC 61 A lawsuit from Martin Hannett over unpaid royalties.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Ten Things You May Not Have Realised About David Hasselhoff

1. David Hasselhoff is the Most Watched TV Star in the World according to none other than the Guinness Book of World Records.
2. David Hasselhoff is a frequent visitor to children's hospitals.
3. David Hasselhoff recently received the International Star of the Year Award for Outstanding Contribution to Global Entertainment at the Bollywood Awards.
4. David Hasselhoff's last film was 'The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie'
5. Unfortunately David Hasselhoff will be unable to appear in the New Wimbledon Theatre's Christmas Pantomime Production of 'Peter Pan' due to conflicting commitments.
6. David Hasselhoff is the judge in a new NBC game show called 'America's Got Talent'.
7. That last bit is TBC, obviously.
8. David Hasselhoff's new single 'Jump In My Car' is in fact a cover version of The Ted Mulray Gang's 1975 "classic smash".
9. People who bought 'Baywatch The Movie: Nightmare Bay' from Amazon also bought 'Femalien'.
10. The screening of David Hasselhoff's 1994 pay-per-view Atlantic City concert was rather undermined by live footage of O.J. Simpson fleeing from Californian police on the other side.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Italian’s Ten Goalscorers In Germany 2006*

1. Materazzi
2. Del Pierro
3. Grosso
4. Toni
5. Zambrotta
6. Totti
7. Inzaghi
8. Gilardino
9. Pirlo
10. Iaquinta

*No, Zaccardo doesn 't count

Ten Things Materazzi Might Have Said To Zidane

1. "It means 'matresses' - here, have a go."
2. "Hey Zizou, what you gonna do, there's a lot of people coming for you/ Zizou, comment allez-vous.." etc
3. "Are you sure you didn't tear your wrist?"
4. "OK, now I'll be Skeletor and you be Ram-Man."
5. "I've got sloe and meth for your baby-sitter."
6. "And my next tattoo's going to be 'efil 4 enadiz'."
7. "Do you think I should use an Arabic font?"
8. "Sod penalties, let's settle it with Best Deaths."
9. "Fancy a game of headers and volleys of abuse?"
10. "Oh arse, I forgot you spoke Italian."

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Ten Interesting Pub Topics

1. Don't the makers of Poseidon realise that their 'upside down' poster reads "No die sod"?
2. Why does everyone insist English players are incapable of playing 4-5-1 when they play it most weeks with their club teams?
3. Is there a good way to ask kids on buses to turn their mobile clips down? (i.e. without getting stabbed?)
4. When those Thames Water ads claim their new pipes are going to save 143 million litres of water a day, isn't that a rather roundabout way of admiting that's what they're currently wasting?
5. Did Endemol not realise that by having a 'secret' Big Brother house they've now ended up with more contestants than they had at the beginning?
6. Is Steve McLaren going to have 6 strikers at the European Championships, and is his 'masterplan' to play them all at once like he did at Boro?
7. How come Paris Hilton's single is far better than it deserves to be?
8. And how come Justin Timberlake's is so rubbish?
9. Hang on a minute - I saw Plymouth win some game 4-0 on the news last night. So was that the break between seasons then? What... TWO DAYS?? Blimey. Etc
10. Don't policemen look young these days? Or are they just those new-fangled Community Policemen?