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Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Ten Most Cringe-worthy Lyrical Moments In Pop*

1. Twist in my sobriety
2. Excitations
3. Champagne wine
4. More than a lot
5. Bismillah!
6. Faster than a cannonball
7. And you don’t want that
8. Take a load off Annie
9. Looking at the peaches
10. At the speed of cheeba

*Novelty records not included

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Other 45 Ways To Leave Your Lover*

Paul Simon listed 5 (You just slip out the back, Jack / Make a new plan, Stan / You don’t need to be coy, Roy / Hop on the bus, Gus / Just drop off the key, Lee) - here are the rest

1. Send them a fax, Max
2. Jump on a train, Jane
3. Do it by text, Rex
4. Climb out on the roof, youth
5. Say there’s no spark, Mark
6. Have sex on the web, Jeb
7. Tell her she’s whack, Jack
8. Poison her food, Jude
9. Say you prefer men, Glenn
10. Pretend you’re unwell, Mel
11. Belittle his penis, Glynnis
12. Boil up his bunny, honey
13. Give them VD, Bree
14. Cause controversy, G
15. Say you’re under 16, Jean
16. Just cut off his dick, Nick
17. Reveal you’re a man, Jan
18. Say he’s too small, Paul
19. Describe her as ‘whorey’, Rory
20. Call him a big fairy, Mary
21. Ask for more space, Grace
22. Send an email, Rael
23. Say she’s the school bike, Mike
24. Call her a tart, Bart
25. Hit on her Dad, Brad
26. Refuse to kiss her, Melissa
27. Ask to be her bitch, Rich
28. Show her your porn, Sean
29. Lez up with a girl, Pearl
30. Hang out with more queers, Piers
31. Tell him you’re late, Kate
32. Try calling her Ho, Joe
33. Talk about your vagina, Jemima
34. Pretend that you’re gay, Jay
35. Just start to flirt, Gert
36. Admit that you’re hetero, Jethro
37. Dress up in leather, Heather
38. Try shaving your leg, Greg
39. Piss in her juice, Bruce
40. Get caught on the job, Rob
41. Just go and get pissed, Chris
42. Say you’ve got the itch, Mitch
43. Tell her you’re bored, Ford
44. Call yourself 'Queen', Dean
45. Show him your willy, Jilly

*Idea shamelessly ripped off from the mighty and sadly defunct 'Might' magazine - but apart from the first one (starter for ten), they're all my own. Plus these ones scan, so shove it.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Three Hypothetical Questions Related To London Underground Public Service Announcements

1. When they say "there is a good service on all other lines", shouldn't that be a given?
2. Does it really help passengers if, "due to the late running of this train", you terminate it at an earlier station than advertised?
3. When they announce that "this escalator is being used as a standing stair", that wouldn't be the same as saying it's broken at all, would it?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Ten Places In Britain I'd Like To Live

1. Blackadder
2. Outer Ting-Tong
3. Bubbenhall
4. Upsettlington
5. Ansty
6. Frankley
7. Woodhouses
8. Bird Bush
9. Newbiggin-by-the-Sea
10. Beeswing

Five Extracts From Suetonius' 'Lives Of The Caesars' To Back Up That Last List

1. "Some of the things he did are hard to believe. He had little boys trained as minnows to chase him when he went swimming and to get between his legs and nibble him. He also had babies not weaned from their mother breast suck at his chest and groin."
2. "He had the manager of his gladiatorial shows and beast-baitings beaten with chains in his presence for several successive days, and would not kill him until he was disgusted at the stench of his putrefied brain."
3. "He devised a kind of game, in which, covered with the skin of some wild animal, he was let loose from a cage and attacked the private parts of men and women, who were bound to stakes."
4. "At the post houses and inns he was unusually affable to the mule drivers and travelers, asking each of them in the morning whether they had breakfasted and even showing by belching that he had done so."
5. "He cut off the hands of a money-lender who carried on his business dishonestly and nailed them to his counter."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Five Scariest Caesars

1. Tiberius
2. Caligula
3. Nero
4. Vitellius
5. Galba

Ten Meaningless Adjectives Used To Describe Fashion Collections

1. Directional
2. Challenging
3. Wearable
4. Witty
5. Knowing
6. Driven
7. Evangelical
8. Ethnic
9. Primitive
10. Educated

Monday, December 12, 2005

Ten Inner Groove Messages From New Order/Joy Division Records

1. "?reteP, naem uoy od yltcaxe tahW" (Technique)
2. "Try listening to the 12"" (Temptation 7")
3. "Out Voted!" (Blue Monday)
4. "Not the way I would've done it!" (Confusion)
5. "Watch out for the dwarf" (Shellshock)
6. "Steven won't go to stockport" (Substance)
7. "I've only got record shops left" (Love Will Tear Us Apart)
8. "I thought of bananas till you played it" (Earcom 2)
9. "The chicken won't stop" (Still)
10. "More juice please" (Brotherhood)

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Ten West Country Towns That Sound Like They Were Invented By JK Rowling

1. Chumleigh
2. Appledore
3. Tamerton Foliot
4. Compton Pauncefoot
5. Hinton Blewitt
6. Mabe Burnthouse
7. Goonbell
8. Nempnett Thrubwell
9. Polyphant
10. Grumbla

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Top Thirty Gigs That Five Of Us Could Think Of Off The Top Of Our Heads

1. New Order Reading 98
2. Pixies Sheffield Octagon 89
3. JSBX at SBE 98
4. Beastie Boys Astoria 94.
5. Primal Scream Hammersmith 97ish
6. My Bloody Valentine, Trent Poly 88 or 89, not sure
7. New Order, Reading 89
8. Pixies, Rock City 89
9. Spiritualized, Royal Albert Hall 98? (the live album one)
10. Brian Wilson, ICC 02
11. QOTSA, Columbiahalle 03
12. Moldy Peaches, Knaack 03
13. Phoenix, Columbia Fritz 04
14. Prince - Lovesexy tour, Wembley Arena
15. White Stripes, Tuffnell Park
16. Franz Ferdinand, the Garage
17. Dexy's reunion, RFH
18. Brian Wilson, RFH
19. Bob Dylan - Athens amphitheatre (encore only, the rest was shit)
20. White Stripes, The Social, Nottingham
21. Stereo Mcs, The Social, Nottingham
22. Underworld, Phoenix Festival 94
23. Basement Jaxx, Rock City
24. Carter / PWEI / Frank & Walters, Birmingham Hummingbird (it was my first
proper gig)
25. Transvision vamp (just because)
26. faith no more - sheffield arena
27. Prince showcase, Barbican lecture theatre
28. Field Music, Water Rats
29. Antony + the Johnsons, Shepherd's Bush Empire
30. New Order, Hyde park, 2005

The Only Ten Chat-up Lines I've Ever Used In My life

1. I like your general demeanour
2. Do you want some water?
3. How's about it?
4. Shall we go outside?
5. (Phonetically: {it's Norwegian}) Skall Vie Go Dansay?
6. Do you want to go to the Warhol exhibition on Tuesday?
7. Are you dancing with me or is it her?
8. Don't step on the cracks.
9. I never bet on you.
10. Will you go out with me?

The Ten Most Addictive Substances Known To Man

1. The third pint
2. The jelly in Jaffa Cakes
3. The live night-cam on Big Brother
4. Unkicked autumn leaves
5. Airfix paint
6. Dry roasted peanut 'dust' in the corner of the packet
7. An empty lane on the motorway
8. Late night Hammer Horror films
9. The skip button on an iPod
10. 1471

The Ten Best Comments On My Website So Far

1. The one by B7b
2. Um
3. Err..
5. See
6. It's
7. Like
8. This
9. ..Well
10. ...Arse

Ten Vietnam Books That Claim On Their Jackets To Be Better Than The Others

1. Michael Herr: ‘Dispatches’ (Picador)
“The best book I have ever read on men and war in our time.”

2. Lt Gen Harold G Moore (Retd) and Joseph L Galloway ‘We Were Soldiers Once… And Young’ (Corgi)
“The most significant book to come out of the Vietnam War.”

3. James Webb ‘Fields Of Fire’ (Bantam)
“In my opinion, the finest of the Vietnam novels.”

4. Robert Mason – Chickenhawk (Corgi)
“The best book to come out of Vietnam.”

5. Tim O’Brien – If I Die In A Combat Zone’ (Flamingo)
“May be the greatest piece of work to come out of Vietnam.”

6. Neil Sheehan – A Bright And Shining Lie (Pimlico)
“If you ever read just one history of the Vietnam war, read this one.”

7. Stanley Karnow ‘Vietnam: A History’
“The most complete account [of the Vietnam war] to date.”

8. Al Santoli – ‘Everything We Had’ (Ballantine)
“If I had to recommend only one book as a guide to stepping into the skin of a Vietnam veteran, [this] would be it.”

9. Philip Caputo – ‘A Rumor Of War’ (Owl)
“To call it the best book about Vietnam is to trivialise it."

10. Michael Lind - 'Vietnam: The Necessary War' (Touchstone)
"If you only read one book on the Vietnam war, this is it."

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Ten Truthful Sayings

1. Dark sky at night, that'd be right / Blue sky in the morning, day must be dawning
2. Remember, remember, bonfire night
3. In something something and something 2, Columbus sailed the ocean blue
4. A stitch in time sounds like something from Doctor Who
5. A Rolling Stone gathers plenty of hangers-on
6. People who live in glass houses smell of compost
7. When the cat's away, the owners will stick badly photocopied pictures of it to every other tree in the street
8. A friend in need is a pain in the arse
9. The early bird is welcome to it
10. Too many cooks spoil my TV viewing pleasure

The Ten Most Boring Things The Most Boring Man In The Pub Said

1. It's so funny, it's so funny, it's so funny
2. You can do it on the computer
3. Actually, I might go to Cheltenham
4. I'm quite an old man now
5. Maradona, he was great
6. Your wedding isn't the best day of your life
7. I used to be a left back
8. If someone slagged my Mum off, I wouldn't like it
9. You don't need Lampard
10. See you again no doubt

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Ten Premiership Footballers I've Never Heard Of Before

1. Myhre
2. Ramage
3. Ashdown
4. Politt
5. Albrechsten
6. Alnwick
7. Khizanishvili
8. Mokoena
9. Faye
10. Jordan

Ten DVDs I Own But Still Haven't Watched

1. The Big Red One
2. Brotherhood
3. Memento
4. Last Exit To Brooklyn
5. Amelie
6. The Asphalt Jungle
7. The L-Shaped Room / Darling
8. Das Boot
9. The Godfather Part III
10. The Beatles Anthology

Ten Things I Didn't Get Round To Doing This Week

1. Having a healthy breakfast
2. Chiselling the plaster off the tiles
3. Making that angry call to my broadband supplier
4. Going to the gym for the first time since I joined 3 months back
5. Quitting my job
6. Finishing that metre-long packet of Jaffa Cakes
7. Calling my brother about Christmas
8. Clearing up the other half of the leaves now frozen to the ground in the back garden
9. Illegally downloading George Harrison's 'Marwa Blues'
10. Getting to work even vaguely on time

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