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Saturday, June 24, 2006

Morrissey's Best Same-Word Rhymes

1. 'I will be in the bar/With my head on the bar' (The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get)
2. 'I would hate anything to happen to her/Would you please let me see her' (Girlfriend In A Coma)
3. 'But it goes on/And on/Oh goes on' (Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me)
4. 'I am a man of means/Of slender means' (Nowhere Fast)
5. 'Some girls' mothers/Are bigger than other girls' mothers' (Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others)
6. 'They don't want to believe us/And if they don't believe us now/Will they ever believe us?' (The Boy With The Thorn In His Side)
7. 'Cause tonight is just like any other night/That's why you're on your own tonight' (I Know It's Over)
8. 'Has the world changed/Or have I changed?' (The Queen Is Dead)
9. 'Shoplifters of the world/Unite and take over/Shoplifters of the world/Hand it over' (Shoplifters Of The World Unite)
10. 'All the love that you long for eludes you/And people are rude and cruel to you' (You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby)

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Ten Tell-Tale Signs I'm In My Thirties

1. Hearing a tribute band play the first song I got laid to.
2. Scoring five goals as a left back.
3. Talking about scoring five goals in a meaningless kickabout.
4. Realising my hip-hop dancing style looks more like Stan from the Housemartins.
5. Reminiscing about all-standing stadiums.
6. Knowing the words to 'This Time' by the 1982 England Squad.
7. Still trying to complete my New Order vinyl collection.
8. Adding some mint to my pea salad.
9. Volunteering to be a steward at a street party.
10. Getting angry about readers' letters in newspapers.

Ten Tattoos I'd Have If I Had The Balls

1. "Nothing Is Permanent"
2. Birdseye Frozen Peas Barcode (with expired 'best before' date)
3. "Don't Like Anyone Enough"
4. "Your Name Here"
5. "The Current Person In My Life"
6. "Band On The Run"
7. "Wake Me Up At Archway"
8. "Individual"
9. "Generic Statement"
10. "Prisoner Cell Block H"

Ten Song Titles For The Imaginary Band That Wouldn't Be Imaginary If Only I Had Any Musical Talent

1. Dead Skin
2. They Wouldn't Know
3. I'm So Loaded
4. Middle-Aged E-rush
5. They
6. I Won't Go Back
7. Please Ease Me
8. Arkwright Walk
9. I'm Not Going Anywhere
10. London Kills Me

Ten Sportsmen With Names That Seem Strangely Rubbish

1. Peter Crouch (football)
2. Tim Henman (tennis)
3. Mitch Gaylord (gymnastics)
4. Zab Judah (boxing)
5. Bert Ironmonger (cricket)
6. Fred (Brazilian footballer)
7. Rusty LaRue (basketball)
8. Jimmy Glass (football - goalkeeper)
9. Martin Damm (tennis)
10. Sandy Sadler (boxing)

*Sporting names lists with thanks to the bearded jiver

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Ten Amusing US Fantasy Football Team Names

1. Shutupunplay
2. Six Packers
3. Butt Ugly Martians
4. Can We Forfeit
5. Smell The Glove
6. Lactating Barbies
7. Butt Naked Amish
8. Phuk-n-a
9. Great With Milk
10. Go-nads!

Ten Sportsmen With Names That Seem Strangely Appropriate

1. Lance Armstrong (cycling)
2. Steve Cram (running)
3. Gary Speed (football)
4. Leo Houlding (rock climbing)
5. Marco Pantani (cycling)
6. Martin Corry (rugby)
7. David Boon (cricket)
8. Marvin Hagler (boxing)
9. George Best (football)
10. Bill Curley (basketball)

Monday, June 12, 2006

Ten Utterly Useless World Cup Statistics So Far*

1. Most popular time to score: 4th or 24th minute
2. First club team to have a scorer on both sides in same match: Chelsea (ARG v IVC)
3. Longest named scorer: Golmohammadi
4. Shortest named scorer: Lahm
5. Ratio of first half goals to second half goals: 1.3:1
6. No of minutes’ play before ten goals scored in total: 384
7. First game condescendingly referred to as “their final”: Angola v Portugal
8. Most common letter in goalscorers’ names: A (21 instances)
9. Second most common letter in goalscorers’ names: O (16 instances)
10. Most obvious anagram of goalscorer’s name: Goal Mohammid

*Accurate right up until the second I pressed send, when Rosicky scored

Ten types of footwear that sound like they belong in Middle Earth

1. Alpagarta
2. Solleret
3. Pisnet
4. Batts
5. Mukluk
6. Buskin
7. Opanke
8. Staeppescoh
9. Unhege-Sceo
10. Calc