The Seven Ages of Man, as Modelled by Paul McCartney

1. The Cheeky Scouser

2. The Quickening

3. The Idealist

4. The Cynic

5. The Sharecrofter

6. The Contented Dad

7. The Thumbsaloft

One Spambot Message That Deserves Its Own Post

"Into the bank, and you crowd, whereas this was a large coeducational heads about what the speed limit. View of his parents' faces corny here, but I think the nicest gift you can days, when I shared a dormitory suite with several other design-conscious young men. I know for a fact that she can't be too intelligent, because here where I grew up would have been driven caused the Civil War. Shepherds would emerge from the closet, walk up the mysteries about jokes are: How come you can point of view, was that they didn't have much that anybody would want to buy. Was caused by acculturalized did not realize at first that the decline when the house is dark and quiet, they whisper into the child's ear: 'I think I hear. Expressing hostility toward somebody who speak for everybody in North America when men who own winches and freely use words like 'joist' and can build houses starting out with only."

Ten Things Manchester United Could Buy With The Money They're Giving To Wayne Rooney Every Month

1. A £1.50 leaving card for every single public sector worker about to lose their jobs
2. One hundredth of a Joint Strike Fighter jet (or one jet every eight years - two years before the government get their first one)
3. Half of Middlesbrough's Nicky Bailey
4. Season tickets for 1,404 of the 1,500 seats in Old Trafford's East Stand Lower
5. ...or a tenner on every single seat at Old Trafford
6. Four Ferrari 458 Italia supercars
7. Sunderland Football Club's entire interest repayment
8. 11,429 official World Cup 2010 Adidas Jabulani footballs at full price
9. 12% of Trafford General hospital's total debt
10. A thousand defibrillator units

Ten Odd Things I Overheard and Wrote Down Because They Made Me Laugh

1. "We had a boxer which got killed by a cobra."

2. "Hi, I'm in Bristol!" [overheard in London].

3. "600 million for him is nothing."

4. "He only had a first class suite for their cruise, didn't he? And then they stayed at that cheap hotel in Epping Forest!"

5. "What does that pub sign say? 'My Son's Head'? Oh, Nelson's Head!"

6. "Retrospectively, I did make a slight mistake. I thought it was a tenner and he charged me £65."

7. "He hasn't had a girlfriend in ages. He's been doing his flat up lovely, though."

8. "It's closed for a birthday party. I can't believe they didn't tweet that!"

9. "Did you say he works for EDF?"

10. "You can be John Mills and I'll be Dicky Attenborough."

Eight Things You Get With the September 2010 Issue of Italian Vogue That Prove That Print Is Not Dead (Not to Mention 1,476 Pages)

1. Italian Vogue (506 pages)
2. The Grand Couture supplement (168 pages)
3. Vogue Talents - 'Emerging Designers' supplement (34 pages plus wraparound ad)
4. 'Jules of Italy in Hong Kong' promotional insert (24 pages)
5. Vogue Gioiello - 'Thirty Years Of Golden Dreams' magazine (386 pages)
6. Vogue Accessory supplement (358 pages)
7. 1x Camomilla fridge magnet
8. 1x 3D glasses

Ten Staff Recommendation Notes At The Local Waterstones That Begin With 'This Book Made Me Feel…'

1. …Jealous! I wish I had just half the genius of Michelangelo!

2. …That what happens in Degas stays in Degas

3. …Totally ashamed that one could enjoy so much bloody violence

4. …Do you like jelly? If your answer is yes, this book is for you!

5. …Jealous that I don't turn into a beautiful butterfly when I eat too many pies!

6. …I don't know whether this book is offensive or not

7. …Glad I don't have hairy hands

8. …Like I need more pockets!

9. …It may well have your eye out.

10. …Mostly sanitary but not always

Ten Things In The Smallprint of The iTunes Software License I Just Agreed To Without Reading First

1. THE APPLE SOFTWARE IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SYSTEMS, LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES OR OTHER EQUIPMENT IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE APPLE SOFTWARE COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR SEVERE PHYSICAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE.
2. You agree that Apple and its subsidiaries may collect and use technical and related information, including but not limited to technical information about your computer
3. Apple and its licensors reserve the right to change, suspend, remove, or disable access to any Services at any time without notice.
4. Upon the termination of this License, you shall cease all use of the Apple Software and destroy all copies, full or partial, of the Apple Software.
5. SOME JURISDICTIONS DO NOT ALLOW LIMITATIONS ON HOW LONG AN IMPLIED WARRANTY LASTS, SO THE ABOVE LIMITATION MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU.
6. YOU EXPRESSLY ACKNOWLEDGE AND AGREE THAT …THE ENTIRE RISK AS TO SATISFACTORY QUALITY, PERFORMANCE, ACCURACY AND EFFORT IS WITH YOU.
7. THE APPLE SOFTWARE AND SERVICES ARE PROVIDED "AS IS", WITH ALL FAULTS AND WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND.
8. APPLE DOES NOT WARRANT AGAINST INTERFERENCE WITH YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THE APPLE SOFTWARE OR SERVICES.
9. TO THE EXTENT NOT PROHIBITED BY LAW, IN NO EVENT SHALL APPLE BE LIABLE FOR PERSONAL INJURY, OR ANY INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, INDIRECT OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES WHATSOEVER, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, DAMAGES FOR LOSS OF PROFITS, LOSS OF DATA, BUSINESS INTERRUPTION OR ANY OTHER COMMERCIAL DAMAGES OR LOSSES, ARISING OUT OF OR RELATED TO YOUR USE OR INABILITY TO USE THE APPLE SOFTWARE OR SERVICES, HOWEVER CAUSED, REGARDLESS OF THE THEORY OF LIABILITY.
10. You also agree that you will not use these products for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of missiles, or nuclear, chemical or biological weapons.

Ten Sections They Did Have In The Bookshop Even Though There Was None For Philosophy

1. Paul McKenna
2. Alan Carr
3. Football Biographies
4. Safe Driving For Life
5. Life in the UK
6. Self Development
7. Etiquette
8. Angels/Fairies
9. Dark Fantasy
10. A-Z by Author or Criminal

Ten Things That Never Get Their Own 'Greatest Of All Time' Top Ten Lists (Unlike, Say, Records, Cities or Men)

1. Brooms
2. Hammers
3. Winds
4. Opinions
5. Children
6. Types of Tomato
7. Cottages
8. Streams
9. Crosswords
10. Fingers

Ten Things Fabio Capello Should Do To Win Over a Sceptical Public

1. Learn to speak in a comedy local accent
2. Be a bit more pally with his players
3. eg call them 'JT' and 'Stevie G'
4. Prove he can do beautiful football by winning the league in Holland
5. Then have a go at the bundesliga
6. Work with Sir Alex Ferguson for a bit
7. Show his commitment to attacking football by playing five strikers at once
8. Reinstate the captain he symbollically dropped
9. Pose with an umbrella on the sidelines
10. Change his name to something Anglo Saxon like, um, 'McLaren'

Ten Sportspeople The French Can Still Be Proud Of

1. Nicolas Mahut, world no.2 endurance tennis star
2. Monsieur Mangetout (Michael Lotito), extreme eating champ
3. Claude Makelele, inventor of the 'Makelele Role'
4. Philippe Petit, Twin Towers tightrope walker
5. Sebastien Chabal, rugby's Captain Caveman
6. Marie Sebag, chess grandmaster at the age of 22
7. Tony Parker, NBA star and husband of Eva Longoria
8. Helle Nice, actress/model/downhill skier/pioneering female racing driver
9. Bixente Lizarazu, footballer/winning hand in Scrabble
10. André the Giant (André Roussimoff), professional wrestler/graffiti icon

Richie Benaud's Scoring Record in the 1957/58 Test Series v South Africa

1. First Test, Jo'burg, first innings: 122 runs
2. First Test, Jo'burg, second innings: DNB
3. Second Test, Cape Town, first innings: 33 runs
4. Second Test, Cape Town, second innings: DNB
5. Third Test, Durban, first innings: 5 runs
6. Third Test, Durban, second innings: 20 runs
7. Fourth Test, Jo'burg, first innings: 100 runs
8. Fourth Test, Jo'burg, second innings: DNB
9. Fifth Test, Port Elizabeth, first innings: 43 runs
10. Fifth Test, Port Elizabeth, second innings: 6 not out

Total runs: 329
Average: 54.83
(Bowling: 30 wickets @ 21.93)

Richie Benaud's Scoring Record in the 1953 Ashes Series

1. First Test, Nottingham, first innings: 3 runs
2. First Test, Nottingham, second innings: 0 runs
3. Second Test, Lord's, first innings: 0 runs
4. Second Test, Lord's, second innings: 5 runs
5. Third Test, Manchester, first innings: did not play
6. Third Test, Manchester, second innings: did not play
7. Fourth Test, Leeds, first innings: 7 runs
8. Fourth Test, Leeds, second innings: did not bat
9. Fifth Test, The Oval, first innings: did not play
10. Fifth Test, The Oval, second innings: did not play

Total: 15 runs
Average: 3 runs
(Bowling: 68 overs - 19 maidens - 2 for 174)

Ten Things I Could Have Done Instead of Watching England v Algeria

1. Caught up on some sleep
2. Given my daughter a longer bath
3. Made a slow-cook lamb stew
4. Watched the brilliant Steve Winwood/Traffic documentary on BBC Four
5. Gone for a very long run
6. Listened to 30,000 vuvuzelas for 90 mins with the picture off
7. Watched a re-run of the Argentina game
8. Driven to Mothercare while it was empty
9. Did I mention sleep?
10. Watched paint dry

Ten Features from Vanity Fair's August 1987 Issue

1. Is Rupert Murdoch's TV "network" too lumpen to survive?
2. Scott Turow's Presumed Innocent - A Chicago lawyer's first novel is this year's blockbuster crime read
3. Timothy Dalton, the new James Bond, is stirred but not shaken by 007's Aston Martin
4. The best of Burgundy (and California Pinot Noir)
5. Does it really make no difference how much you spend on an amplifier?
6. In the grip of AIDS, Roy Cohn maintained his fierce bravado
7. Introducing Conde Nast's Traveler, the insider's guide to the outside world
8. US Attorney Rudolph Giuliani, 43, is today's Eliot Ness, taking on organized crime, political corruption, and the big boys of Wall Street
9. Is Michelle Pfeiffer too beautiful to be a movie star?
10. Holy Sheen - Watching Charlie's phenomenal rise, does his father Michael feel a twinge about his own career?

Nine Courses from Marie-Antoine Carême's Regent's Banquet, Brighton Royal Pavilion, 18 January 1817

1. Soupes
2. 8 Relevés du Poisson
3. 15 Assiettes Volants à Servir Aprés Les Poissons
4. 8 Grosses Piéces
5. 40 Entrées
6. 8 Piéces Montées
7. 8 Roasts
8. 32 Entremets
9. 12 Assiettes Volantes

Ten Movies Featuring the Fictional Town of Shermer, Illinois

1. Weird Science
2. The Breakfast Club
3. Home Alone
4. Sixteen Candles
5. Pretty In Pink
6. Planes, Trains & Automobiles
7. National Lampoon's Vacation
8. She's Having A Baby
9. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
10. Dogma

The Only Six Movies with the Word 'Tank Top' as a Keyword on IMDB

1. Click
2. Rock, Paper, Scissors: The Way of the Tosser
3. Never Say Never Again
4. Pigs
5. Zombie Cheerleader Camp
6. Freezer Burn: The Invasion of Laxdale

The Ten Pets I've Owned

1. Tiger
2. Rubbish
3. Buster
4. Betsy
5. Hattie
6. Shumba
7. Jasper
8. Jake
9. Milo
10. Misty

Ten Cheery Characters Credited In The Road

1. Urinating Gang Member
2. The Final Woman
3. Bearded Face
4. Man On Mattress
5. Well Fed Woman
6. Thief
7. Man In Cellar
9. Bearded Man #2
10. Baby Eater

The First Ten Autofill Suggestions That Appear When You Type The Word 'Why' Into Google

1. …are Michael Jackson's kids white?
2. …is the sky blue?
3. …did the chicken cross the road?
4. …is a raven like a writing desk?
5. …am I always tired?
6. …do we yawn?
7. …do cats purr?
8. …is the sea salty?
9. …do we dream?
10. …is the world going to end in 2012?

One Funny Thing I Just Saw In A Shop Window

This Week's Ten Best Headlines in the Local West Country Press*

1. Milk Thief Strikes in Watchet
2. Ferret Found in Minehead Garden
3. Westover Green Pupils Are Mad Keen on Science
4. Shapwick School's Reading Stars Get Their Badges
5. Leonard Affected By Digital Switchover
6. Exclusive Henry Vacum [sic] in May Day Raffle
7. Woman Rescued from Ditch
8. Petrol Stolen from Helston Fuel Pump
9. Sceptical Visitor Lauds Seaside Town
10. Demand Outstrips Supply for West Somerset Morris Men

*Incorporating the Somerset County Gazette, Bridgewater Mercury, Chard News and The Falmouth & Penryn Packet

And Not Forgetting…

'I'd drunk too much, I was irresponsible, criminal': Nick Clegg on his regrets: Cross-dressing, drugs, that remark about his 30 lovers and - finally - the truth about his criminal past: the hilariously indiscreet confessions of Nick Clegg, the Lib Dem leader who tries hard not to embarrass himself - but (happily) just can't help it... (Daily Mail, 27 April)

Ten Fair And Balanced Headlines That Have Appeared Since Nick Clegg Turned Out To Be More Popular Than The Papers Thought

1. Clegg in Nazi Slur on Britain (Daily Mail, 22 April)
2. Nick Clegg, the Lib Dem donors and payments into his private account (The Daily Telegraph, 22 April)
3. Clegg's Crazy Immigration Policy (Daily Express, 22 April)
4. General Election 2010: Nick Clegg Uncovered (The Daily Telegraph, 22 April)
5. Clegg's On Defensive (The Sun, 20 April)
6. Nick Clegg is a sycophantic, pro-immigration Europhile (The Daily Telegraph, 19 April)
7. Nick's Nuclear Pledge Panic (The Sun, 18 April)
8. Voters Don't Have a Clegg To Stand On (News of the World, 18 April)
9. Clegg, the panto Yorkshireman: he plays the Northerner, but he's really from the Home Counties and is as posh as Dave (17 April)
10. Beware the Glib-Dems (The Sun, 17 April)

Ten Cracking Meals

1. Roast Poussin by my fair hand






2. Sea Bream, Slug & Lettuce, Leicester Square






3. Bacon Sarnie, The Phoneix, Alexandra Palace





4. Cheesecake, Merci, Paris






5. Pork and Clams, Bedford & Strand, Covent Garden






6. Croque Madame, Le Dome du Marais, Paris






7. Chicken & Mushroom broth with beans, my place






8. Mushroom quiche, Bread and Roses, Paris





9. Wolfberries with champagne mousse, First, Paris






10. Pete's cake for Rachel, Redwood

Ten Things I Overheard In The Street And Wrote Down Because They Made Me Laugh

1. Good Morning! [at 7pm]
2. If she saw how he played golf, she'd leave him
3. The way they run the government here is crazy
4. Was that Jon Pertwee?
5. His house is very civilised but it smells.
6. If you're on your second wife I think you should leave your money to the kids.
7. If you don't celebrate Easter, can you still have Easter eggs?
8. How many shops are we going to?
9. Jim Morrison? It rings a vague sort of a bell.
10. She's only got so many old books because it takes her that long to read them.

Ten GQ Appearances By David Cameron

1. First in GQ's 2009 Most Influential Men list
2. Has the wider population warmed to David Cameron? (Laurie Laird, Oct 2009)
3. Brown and Cameron do an Obama (Laurie Laird, April 2010)
4. David's Dilemma: the devil is in the details (Laurie Laird, July 2009)
5. Second in GQ's 2007 Best-Dressed Men list
6. The PM remains distant as Cameron scores a coup (Tara Hamilton-Miller, April 2010)
7. David Cameron: A PM for all seasons? (Charlie Brooks, May 2010)
8. Eighth in GQ's 2010 Best-Dressed Men list (Gordon Brown first in 'worst dressed' list)
9. The Final Push (David Cameron interviewed by Matthew d'Ancona, May 2010)
10. Somewhere Boys (the Bullingdon look as fashion statement, GQ Style, S/S 2010 )

Ten Footballers Who've Scored Own Goals For Manchester United This Season (In Reverse Chronological Order)

1. Jlloyd Samuel (Bolton Wanderers, 27 March 2010)
2. James Collins (Aston Villa, 10 February 2010)
3= Anthony Borre (Portsmouth, 6 February 2010)
3= Richard Hughes (Portsmouth, 6 February 2010)
3= Marc Wilson (Portsmouth, 6 February 2010)
6. Scott Dan (Birmingham CIty, 9 January 2010)
7. Andy Dawson (Hull City, 27 December 2009)
8. Zat Knight (Bolton Wanderers, 17 October 2009)
9. Anton Ferdinand (Sunderland, 3 October 2009)
10. Abou Diaby (Arsenal, 28 August 2009)

Ten Places With Long Names

1. Muckanaghederdauhaulia (Ireland)
2. Äteritsiputeritsipuolilautatsi-jänkä (Finland)
3. St Martin-in-the-Fields Church Path (London)
4. Bolderwood Arboretum Ornamental Drive (New Forest)
5. Burgemeester Baron van Voerst van Lyndenstraat (Netherlands)
6. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (Wales)
7. Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg (USA)
8. Dwudziestego Pierwszego Praskiego Pułku Piechoty imienia Dzieci Warszawy (Poland)
9.Tetaumatawhakatangihangakoauaotamateaurehaeaturipuk
apihimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuaakitanarahu (New Zealand)
10. Krungthepmahanakornamornratanakosinmahintarayuttha-yamahadilokphopnopparatrajathaniburiromudomrajaniwesmahasatharnamornphimarnavatarnsathitsakkattiyavisanukamprasit (Thailand)

Ten Pieces Of Advice For Movie Baddies

1. Always check under the bed to ensure there aren't any kids about to witness their parents' murder. They have a tendency to grow into kick-ass kung-fu experts or superheroes or somesuch.
2. If you really must include a thermal exhaust port in your plans,
try and avoid a mile-long trench leading straight to it.
3. Don't tell anyone your masterplan - least of all your arch enemy.
Even if you think he's about to die, he invariably won't. He's
annoying like that.
4. Similarly, resist the temptation to tell him how you're going to
kill him before you actually kill him.
5. Not everyone shares your vision of a new utopian society with you in sole charge.
6. In fact, no-one does.
7. You can replace your staff with robots, but you can't trust either.
8. Watch out for your right-hand man too.
9. Underwater kingdoms are really really easy to destroy.
10. Let's face it, whatever happens you're going to end up dying
spectacularly.

Ten Books Priced £1 In The Local Secondhand Book Store Sale

1. The Small Alpine Garden, Captain H P Leschallas
2. English Country Churches, Richard Briers
3. Gluck, Gluck, Gluck, Malcolm Gluck
4. Raphael's Astronomical Ephemeris of the Planet's Places for 1978
5. Rebel Rebel: 25 Years of Teenage Trauma, Chris Tarrant
6. Love in Germany, Genevieve Bianquis
7. Wyndham and Children First, Lord Egremont
8. Euro Disney Resort, Michelin Guide
9. In Mexican Prisons, Eduard Harkort
10. Social and Political Consequences of the Motor Car, P M Townroe

Ten Brilliantly Named Films Starring Ice T

1. Frankenpenis (1996)
2. Jacob Two Two Meets The Hooded Fang (1999)
3. Who's The Man? (1993)
4. Out Kold (2001)
5. Air Rage (2001)
6. Copy That (2006)
7. Crime Partners 2000 (2000)
8. Frezno Smooth (1998)
9. Sonic Impact (1998)
10. Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)

Five Songs Where The First Word Sung In The Lyric Is 'And'

1. A Sort of Homecoming, U2
2. And She Was, Talking Heads
3. And The Beat Goes On, The Whispers
4. And I Love You So, Don MacLean
5. And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going, Jennifer Hudson

The Ten Most Populated Towns in England in 1377*

1. London (40,000 people)
2. York (12,100)
3. Bristol (10.600)
4. Coventry (8,000)
5. Norwich (6,600)
6. Lincoln (5,900)
7. Salisbury (5,400)
8. Lynn (5,400)
9. Colchester (4,900)
10. Boston (4,800)

*With apologies to Ian Mortimer (who did all the work)

Ten Posh Ways To Eat Toast

1. Toasted and then turned inside out
2. Done on one side
3. Anchovy toast
4. Roasted marrow on toast
5. Canapé Martha
6. Melba toast
7. Welsh rarebit
8. With beef dripping
9. Pain Perdu
10. French toast