The Ten Worst Premiership Players*

1. Darius Henderson (Watford)
2. Gavin Mahon (Watford)
3. Nicky Shorey (Reading)
4. Phil Neville (Everton)
5. Nicky Hunt (Bolton)
6. El-Hadji Diouf (Bolton)
7. Tommy Smith (Watford)
8. David Bentley (Blackburn)
9. Paul Robinson (Tottenham)
10. Kevin Davies (Bolton)

*Where 10 = crappest. According to Dr Ian Graham and Dr Henry Stott's Poisson log-normal statistical model (minimum of 400 minutes play to qualify)

Ten TV Shows Currently Showing In The UK That Lord Reith Would Never Have Okayed

1. Dancing On Ice: Defrosted
2. Help! My Dog's As Fat As Me
3. Sex In Court
4. The Bull**** Detective
5. My Big Breasts And Me
6. F*** Off, I'm A Hairy Woman
7. Booze Bird: Mishief
8. Penn & Teller: B*******!
9. Freaky Eaters: Addicted To Chicken
10. Half Ton Hospital With Jeremy Kyle