Ten Things That Never Get Their Own 'Greatest Of All Time' Top Ten Lists (Unlike, Say, Records, Cities or Men)

1. Brooms
2. Hammers
3. Winds
4. Opinions
5. Children
6. Types of Tomato
7. Cottages
8. Streams
9. Crosswords
10. Fingers

Ten Things Fabio Capello Should Do To Win Over a Sceptical Public

1. Learn to speak in a comedy local accent
2. Be a bit more pally with his players
3. eg call them 'JT' and 'Stevie G'
4. Prove he can do beautiful football by winning the league in Holland
5. Then have a go at the bundesliga
6. Work with Sir Alex Ferguson for a bit
7. Show his commitment to attacking football by playing five strikers at once
8. Reinstate the captain he symbollically dropped
9. Pose with an umbrella on the sidelines
10. Change his name to something Anglo Saxon like, um, 'McLaren'

Ten Sportspeople The French Can Still Be Proud Of

1. Nicolas Mahut, world no.2 endurance tennis star
2. Monsieur Mangetout (Michael Lotito), extreme eating champ
3. Claude Makelele, inventor of the 'Makelele Role'
4. Philippe Petit, Twin Towers tightrope walker
5. Sebastien Chabal, rugby's Captain Caveman
6. Marie Sebag, chess grandmaster at the age of 22
7. Tony Parker, NBA star and husband of Eva Longoria
8. Helle Nice, actress/model/downhill skier/pioneering female racing driver
9. Bixente Lizarazu, footballer/winning hand in Scrabble
10. André the Giant (André Roussimoff), professional wrestler/graffiti icon

Richie Benaud's Scoring Record in the 1957/58 Test Series v South Africa

1. First Test, Jo'burg, first innings: 122 runs
2. First Test, Jo'burg, second innings: DNB
3. Second Test, Cape Town, first innings: 33 runs
4. Second Test, Cape Town, second innings: DNB
5. Third Test, Durban, first innings: 5 runs
6. Third Test, Durban, second innings: 20 runs
7. Fourth Test, Jo'burg, first innings: 100 runs
8. Fourth Test, Jo'burg, second innings: DNB
9. Fifth Test, Port Elizabeth, first innings: 43 runs
10. Fifth Test, Port Elizabeth, second innings: 6 not out

Total runs: 329
Average: 54.83
(Bowling: 30 wickets @ 21.93)

Richie Benaud's Scoring Record in the 1953 Ashes Series

1. First Test, Nottingham, first innings: 3 runs
2. First Test, Nottingham, second innings: 0 runs
3. Second Test, Lord's, first innings: 0 runs
4. Second Test, Lord's, second innings: 5 runs
5. Third Test, Manchester, first innings: did not play
6. Third Test, Manchester, second innings: did not play
7. Fourth Test, Leeds, first innings: 7 runs
8. Fourth Test, Leeds, second innings: did not bat
9. Fifth Test, The Oval, first innings: did not play
10. Fifth Test, The Oval, second innings: did not play

Total: 15 runs
Average: 3 runs
(Bowling: 68 overs - 19 maidens - 2 for 174)

Ten Things I Could Have Done Instead of Watching England v Algeria

1. Caught up on some sleep
2. Given my daughter a longer bath
3. Made a slow-cook lamb stew
4. Watched the brilliant Steve Winwood/Traffic documentary on BBC Four
5. Gone for a very long run
6. Listened to 30,000 vuvuzelas for 90 mins with the picture off
7. Watched a re-run of the Argentina game
8. Driven to Mothercare while it was empty
9. Did I mention sleep?
10. Watched paint dry

Ten Features from Vanity Fair's August 1987 Issue

1. Is Rupert Murdoch's TV "network" too lumpen to survive?
2. Scott Turow's Presumed Innocent - A Chicago lawyer's first novel is this year's blockbuster crime read
3. Timothy Dalton, the new James Bond, is stirred but not shaken by 007's Aston Martin
4. The best of Burgundy (and California Pinot Noir)
5. Does it really make no difference how much you spend on an amplifier?
6. In the grip of AIDS, Roy Cohn maintained his fierce bravado
7. Introducing Conde Nast's Traveler, the insider's guide to the outside world
8. US Attorney Rudolph Giuliani, 43, is today's Eliot Ness, taking on organized crime, political corruption, and the big boys of Wall Street
9. Is Michelle Pfeiffer too beautiful to be a movie star?
10. Holy Sheen - Watching Charlie's phenomenal rise, does his father Michael feel a twinge about his own career?

Nine Courses from Marie-Antoine Carême's Regent's Banquet, Brighton Royal Pavilion, 18 January 1817

1. Soupes
2. 8 Relevés du Poisson
3. 15 Assiettes Volants à Servir Aprés Les Poissons
4. 8 Grosses Piéces
5. 40 Entrées
6. 8 Piéces Montées
7. 8 Roasts
8. 32 Entremets
9. 12 Assiettes Volantes

Ten Movies Featuring the Fictional Town of Shermer, Illinois

1. Weird Science
2. The Breakfast Club
3. Home Alone
4. Sixteen Candles
5. Pretty In Pink
6. Planes, Trains & Automobiles
7. National Lampoon's Vacation
8. She's Having A Baby
9. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
10. Dogma

The Only Six Movies with the Word 'Tank Top' as a Keyword on IMDB

1. Click
2. Rock, Paper, Scissors: The Way of the Tosser
3. Never Say Never Again
4. Pigs
5. Zombie Cheerleader Camp
6. Freezer Burn: The Invasion of Laxdale

The Ten Pets I've Owned

1. Tiger
2. Rubbish
3. Buster
4. Betsy
5. Hattie
6. Shumba
7. Jasper
8. Jake
9. Milo
10. Misty

Ten Cheery Characters Credited In The Road

1. Urinating Gang Member
2. The Final Woman
3. Bearded Face
4. Man On Mattress
5. Well Fed Woman
6. Thief
7. Man In Cellar
9. Bearded Man #2
10. Baby Eater

The First Ten Autofill Suggestions That Appear When You Type The Word 'Why' Into Google

1. …are Michael Jackson's kids white?
2. …is the sky blue?
3. …did the chicken cross the road?
4. …is a raven like a writing desk?
5. …am I always tired?
6. …do we yawn?
7. …do cats purr?
8. …is the sea salty?
9. …do we dream?
10. …is the world going to end in 2012?

One Funny Thing I Just Saw In A Shop Window

This Week's Ten Best Headlines in the Local West Country Press*

1. Milk Thief Strikes in Watchet
2. Ferret Found in Minehead Garden
3. Westover Green Pupils Are Mad Keen on Science
4. Shapwick School's Reading Stars Get Their Badges
5. Leonard Affected By Digital Switchover
6. Exclusive Henry Vacum [sic] in May Day Raffle
7. Woman Rescued from Ditch
8. Petrol Stolen from Helston Fuel Pump
9. Sceptical Visitor Lauds Seaside Town
10. Demand Outstrips Supply for West Somerset Morris Men

*Incorporating the Somerset County Gazette, Bridgewater Mercury, Chard News and The Falmouth & Penryn Packet

And Not Forgetting…

'I'd drunk too much, I was irresponsible, criminal': Nick Clegg on his regrets: Cross-dressing, drugs, that remark about his 30 lovers and - finally - the truth about his criminal past: the hilariously indiscreet confessions of Nick Clegg, the Lib Dem leader who tries hard not to embarrass himself - but (happily) just can't help it... (Daily Mail, 27 April)

Ten Fair And Balanced Headlines That Have Appeared Since Nick Clegg Turned Out To Be More Popular Than The Papers Thought

1. Clegg in Nazi Slur on Britain (Daily Mail, 22 April)
2. Nick Clegg, the Lib Dem donors and payments into his private account (The Daily Telegraph, 22 April)
3. Clegg's Crazy Immigration Policy (Daily Express, 22 April)
4. General Election 2010: Nick Clegg Uncovered (The Daily Telegraph, 22 April)
5. Clegg's On Defensive (The Sun, 20 April)
6. Nick Clegg is a sycophantic, pro-immigration Europhile (The Daily Telegraph, 19 April)
7. Nick's Nuclear Pledge Panic (The Sun, 18 April)
8. Voters Don't Have a Clegg To Stand On (News of the World, 18 April)
9. Clegg, the panto Yorkshireman: he plays the Northerner, but he's really from the Home Counties and is as posh as Dave (17 April)
10. Beware the Glib-Dems (The Sun, 17 April)

Ten Cracking Meals

1. Roast Poussin by my fair hand






2. Sea Bream, Slug & Lettuce, Leicester Square






3. Bacon Sarnie, The Phoneix, Alexandra Palace





4. Cheesecake, Merci, Paris






5. Pork and Clams, Bedford & Strand, Covent Garden






6. Croque Madame, Le Dome du Marais, Paris






7. Chicken & Mushroom broth with beans, my place






8. Mushroom quiche, Bread and Roses, Paris





9. Wolfberries with champagne mousse, First, Paris






10. Pete's cake for Rachel, Redwood

Ten Things I Overheard In The Street And Wrote Down Because They Made Me Laugh

1. Good Morning! [at 7pm]
2. If she saw how he played golf, she'd leave him
3. The way they run the government here is crazy
4. Was that Jon Pertwee?
5. His house is very civilised but it smells.
6. If you're on your second wife I think you should leave your money to the kids.
7. If you don't celebrate Easter, can you still have Easter eggs?
8. How many shops are we going to?
9. Jim Morrison? It rings a vague sort of a bell.
10. She's only got so many old books because it takes her that long to read them.

Ten GQ Appearances By David Cameron

1. First in GQ's 2009 Most Influential Men list
2. Has the wider population warmed to David Cameron? (Laurie Laird, Oct 2009)
3. Brown and Cameron do an Obama (Laurie Laird, April 2010)
4. David's Dilemma: the devil is in the details (Laurie Laird, July 2009)
5. Second in GQ's 2007 Best-Dressed Men list
6. The PM remains distant as Cameron scores a coup (Tara Hamilton-Miller, April 2010)
7. David Cameron: A PM for all seasons? (Charlie Brooks, May 2010)
8. Eighth in GQ's 2010 Best-Dressed Men list (Gordon Brown first in 'worst dressed' list)
9. The Final Push (David Cameron interviewed by Matthew d'Ancona, May 2010)
10. Somewhere Boys (the Bullingdon look as fashion statement, GQ Style, S/S 2010 )